Life is Difficult. This is a Great Truth, One of the Greatest Truths. It is a Great Truth Because Once We Truly See This Truth, We Transcend it - from "The Road Less Traveled" - M. Scott Peck
Growth is hard. Change is hard. According to author M. Scott Peck, Life is Difficult. In his book, “The Road Less Traveled”, Peck says, “Life is Difficult. This is a great truth. One of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult... Once we truly understand and accept it... then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
Okay, so what does this riddle mean? What is Peck trying to say? He goes on to say that “life is a series of problems”. That is a given. We should not be surprised by that. It is the truth. And once we accept and understand that, we rise. Rise to the challenge. Rise above. We transcend the fact that life is difficult. He says that most people don’t see the truth that life is difficult. Instead, they would rather complain about their problems, burdens, and difficulties as if life should be easy. And with life being a series of problems, do we want to moan about them, or solve them?
Much of what I have written about so far has been about change. The need for change, our responsibility for change in our own lives, how to start, where to start, when to start, if to start, and the fact that whatever we do, it is our choices that govern where we are in life and where we are going. So, what holds us back? Why do we choose dysfunction? Why do we choose abuse? Why do we choose complacency? Mediocrity? Why do we choose a life that is less than it could and should be? The main reason is that we choose comfort, over change. We choose comfort, over growth. We choose to remain where we are. We choose to remain in our Comfort Zone.
What is the Comfort Zone? One definition is “A situation, or position, in which a person
feels secure, comfortable, or in control”. Another is “a psychological state where people are at ease and (perceive they are) in control of their environment, experiencing low levels of anxiety or stress. Scarcity and vulnerability are minimized. We feel “safe”.
Is being in your Comfort Zone a bad thing? I am tempted to say not necessarily. As long as you are happy there. Feeling truly safe. Fulfilled. You are secure in who you are, what you do, who you are with, and what is going on in your life. But you have to ask yourself, are you really happy with these things and answer that question with deep honesty. Are you happy and feeling fulfilled? Or are you settling? Thinking this is my lot in life, and I have to just deal with it. Are you being complacent? Unaware of what is happening around you and inside you. Are you taking anything or anyone for granted? Are you taking yourself for granted?
Security is a good thing, isn’t it? Who doesn’t want to feel secure? What do you associate with something that is secure? Certainty. Safety. Reliability. Predictability. Dependability. Protection. Feeling safe, stable, and free from fear or anxiety. We can feel security in a number of different ways -
Physically Secure – Our bodies feel safe. We have a home to go to. A roof over our heads. This is where we live and belong
Emotionally Secure – We are happy. We feel seen, heard, understood and valued. We feel loved.
Socially Secure – We have good relations with friends and family. We are happy with our interactions. We get out and connect with others.
Mentally Secure – We know who we are and what is going on around us. We think critically and are not threatened by the thoughts of others. We are open-minded. We believe in continuous learning and are interested in the views of others.
Economically Secure – We have no financial worries. Any financial issues we might face are under control, or we have a plan. We spend within our means. We budget and have any debt under control
Spiritually Secure – We have a sense of purpose. A sense of meaning. Something drawing us forward. There is something that is bigger than ourselves that exists. What we do makes a difference. We have purpose outside of ourselves
Any, all, or any combination of these things being present in our lives can make us feel comfortable, and not motivated to leave our comfort zone. But any one, or combination of these things can also hold us back.
Just imagine the absence of any one of these types of security in our lives. What if we weren’t feeling physically secure? Can you imagine returning each day to a home where you don’t feel safe? The actual threat of physical abuse to your body being present. Or perhaps you don’t have a home. Someone in transition. Trying to get settled. Living out of a suitcase. Maybe you are living in a neighbourhood that you feel is unsafe.
Imagine the absence of emotional security. We feel like we don’t belong. At our home, at
work, or elsewhere. We don’t feel seen, heard, or understood. We don’t feel loved. Or being socially insecure. Having poor relations with family or friends. Not being active. Not feeling connected to anyone or anything, while longing to be.
The absence of mental security can cause us to be bored, unmotivated, apathetic, and unchallenged. It can cause us to be insecure or threatened by the views of others. We may feel disconnected with what is going on outside of our world, and disconnected from society.
Or we are economically insecure. That can mean any combination of things. Over our heads in debt. Without a job. Unable to sustain the lifestyle we desire because of our finances. Moving from one financial crisis to another. Arguments with family members over spending and finances. We cannot pay our bills, let alone save any money.
Or spiritually insecure. You may never be satisfied. It doesn’t matter what you have, what you achieve, or how high you climb on the ladder of success, you feel unfulfilled. You thought you would be happy once you bought that dream house, or got that promotion, but no. Something is always missing. There has to be something more, but what is it?
Many experience a lack of security in some way in their lives in one or more of the areas I mentioned, and still stay where they are. The insecurity may be subtle, or it may be severe, and we still stay. Why is that?
Think of what is in your Comfort Zone. Draw a circle and in it, list those things that you consider to be in your Comfort Zone. Remember the definition of Comfort Zone... A situation, or position, in which a person feels secure, comfortable, or in control. So what is in your Comfort Zone? See the exercise below under Checking Your CPS.
If you took part in this exercise, within the circle that you drew will likely be any or all of the
following. Your home, including the house itself and its location. Your family, especially your
direct family, and those you live with. Your friends. Your work, including your job and/or career, the workplace, people you work with and the nature of your workplace. Anyone else significant in your life. Your interests. Your activities. Anything associated with your lifestyle or the way you live. This is your life. Imagine regarding the circle you drew of your Comfort Zone, with the things you listed in it, as your world. Your little planet.
You are used to living in your world, even with its imperfections and any dysfunction. It is your world, and it is what you are used to. It is predictable for the most part, and when you are in it, you feel safe, maybe even when it is unsafe. You feel in control, even when there are some things you have no control over. You may have developed coping mechanisms, or scar tissue, that makes your world livable. This allows you to tolerate whatever might otherwise be intolerable or unacceptable. Maybe you have been led to believe that this is all you are capable of, or deserve. Maybe you tell yourself this is as good as it gets. This is my life. Or maybe you are just unaware. You don’t know what you don’t know. Still, you may feel degrees of unhappiness, sadness, malaise, conflict, dissonance, or incongruity in your life. But you bury it. Suppress it. You put it away, but that doesn’t hide the fact that it is still there, and ultimately affects your life.
Gravity Is Working Against Me. And Gravity Wants to Bring Me Down - Gravity - John Mayer
The people and things in our comfort zone act like gravity in our little world. Just like the actual gravity in the real world holds things together and keeps things from floating away and falling apart, so do the people and things in our comfort zone. They hold our world together. Any changes can disrupt our world. And we like predictability. That may be the one thing you can rely on in your comfort zone. The gravity of our comfort zone can work for us, or against us. It may keep our little world together, but the gravity force of our comfort zone may be preventing us from going where we are desiring or needing to go.
The thing is, we were never meant to settle. Anything that is misaligned or feels incongruent causes those cracks to form in the foundation of our lives. And they can manifest into bigger problems down the line if not dealt with.
Although there is much to be said for comfort, when it comes to change and moving forward
on our paths, the most dangerous thing is comfort. It will make you settle for less and trap you, perhaps forever. If you want to progress, the comfort zone is your enemy. If you want to grow, you are going to have to lean into discomfort. Growth and comfort don’t exist in the same room. It is as simple as that.
Our comfort zones can change, and in most cases do change as time passes. If only for the people that are within it. People come and go. Jobs change. Circumstances change. We can have little to do with these changes. When they happen, they can cause disruption, and we long for equilibrium. For things to settle down, so we feel comfortable again. Many of these changes may be forced upon us. If you read and took part in my blog entitled “The Artistry of The Crooked Path”, you will appreciate that your comfort zone changes. If you look back on your life, you understand that it was different when you were a child, and changed as you grew to be an adult. As an adult it may not have changed much, and that may be the problem. The Comfort Zone can be a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.
I look back at my life, and recall my Comfort Zone at age 20. I lived at home with my parents and my two brothers. This was in an era when we knew all of our neighbours on either side and across the street. It seemed like all the adults on our block were co-parenting each other's kids. My parents ran a family business, which was a part of my life, by default. I was in my second year at university, heading into my third year. I had a part-time job which paid me good wages for the time. Besides my family, the main people in my life were my friends, especially a core group. I had my co-workers, and fellow students, which also included a few friends. Work kept me busy when I was not at school. I had just purchased my first car, brand new. Then there was my social life. Parties, bars, concerts, movies and I was as vain as the next 20-year-old male. Into clothes and music. I worked out. Lifting weights and running. My other interests at the time were not that many. I focused on what was in front of me for the most part. This was my comfort zone at age 20. That was my world. But how comfortable was it?
Our family moved into our home when I was three years old, so it was the only home I knew. My bedroom in the basement was my sanctuary. The neighbourhood was my territory. I was provided for and lived there rent-free. Can’t beat that. I enjoyed my job. I worked about 15 hours a week, and more in the summer when I wasn’t at school. I spent most of my time outside driving, and it was a nice diversion from everything else going on in my life. As well, it fueled my social life, helped pay for my car and related expenses, and I could even put some money in the bank. I had a great group of friends. We had similar values and interests. This was a big part of my world, and what held my world together.
But all was not great. There were tensions in family relationships at times. Not constant, but they were there. There were many great times as well, but there were issues that would occur or they would simmer, just to explode when least expected. The nature of the tensions isn’t important, but they were there, and were not there when I was younger. At least I did not notice them in the same way. The tensions were the symptoms of a bigger problem. The root cause had likely been there for years. But this was still my home. I couldn’t imagine moving out. The thought never crossed my mind. And I was not happy in other ways.
I was not happy with my course of studies at university. I had always been a good student. I was at, or near, the top of my class right through to entering high school. My grades slid slightly starting in Grade 10. Falling from an A average to a B to B plus. For some reason I started underachieving in high school. I was lacking direction and did not know what I wanted to do after high school, besides get a university education. I was always encouraged to do that and made to feel that was the only acceptable option. I was not getting the best counsel on what to do, so I chose my education path without really having any direction in mind. And that led to problems. I was making it through, but not motivated and not committed. I just wanted to graduate and get a job.
You Can't Get What You Want Till You Know What You Want - from the song by Joe Jackson
Can you see how these things acted as gravity in my world?... The roof over my head, the familiarity of my home and neighbourhood, my friends, my job, my financial freedom... Added comfort to my life? How they held my world together? All was not perfect in my life. There were tensions. I did not like what I was studying at university. I had a lack of direction in my life. But this was my world, and I was not motivated to break free, or change. Storms happen in our worlds, don’t they? Even though I felt the imperfections, the stable things were keeping me put. They were also preventing me from making positive change in my life. I was under-achieving in terms of relationships, my education and direction in my life. I felt the incongruence in my life but would not leave my comfort zone. I just lived with it. I was physically secure but lacking in almost every other area to an extent. But what you resist, persists and carries forward, and can multiply into a perfect storm of problems, wasted time, wasted energy, and wasted potential.
Look at your own comfort zone. Examine the past. Examine your present. What holds your world together? What is causing you concern? What could be better? What is holding you back? What is calling you forward?
The Time Has Come to Make or Break. Move On. Don't Hesitate. Breakout - Breakout by Swing Out Sister
How do you move forward? How do you disengage from what is holding you back? You
cannot see clearly when you are in the fog of comfort. As long as you keep making excuses, comforting what you should be confronting is going to limit your life. You may say, “That’s okay. My life isn’t that bad. Sure, it could be better, but I am surviving”. You may be surviving, but why just survive when you could thrive? Don’t just think about the difference you can make in your own life. Think about the difference you can make in the life of others? Of your children, your partner, and other loved ones. Think of the difference it would make if you made that change that shifted your life to a different level. Think of the difference it would make to you physically, socially, mentally, and spiritually. If you want your life to be average, live within your comfort zone. Comfort Zones don’t keep your life safe. They keep your life small.
Life is Hard for One of Two Reasons. You Are Either Stuck in Your Comfort Zone, or You Are Leaving Your Comfort Zone
Comfort is your biggest trap, and coming out of your comfort zone is your biggest challenge. There are many people who are stuck in mediocrity. Thinking this is as good as it gets. Thinking that they are incapable of moving towards those things they are secretly longing for. They think that achievements and making that difference is for other people. They feel they can’t take their life, or their family's life to higher levels. They may be stuck in toxic situations or relationships that they are too comfortable to break away from. Codependence. Under-achievement. They are too afraid to take that step. Too afraid to possibly be alone. You know you are traumatized, when someone mistreats you and you find comfort and familiarity in it. Too afraid to face their demons. But you can’t run from yourself. Eventually it all catches up with you.
So what will determine if someone breaks out of their comfort zone? What will it take? Consider the diagram below. I have left off numbers and measurements, because they will be different for all people. There are some key variables.
Time - In simple terns, how long has this been going on? How long has the feeling that something is not right existed? How long have you felt this gap? Dissonance? Incongruence. The timeline could be long. Extended over years. Maybe even a good portion of one's life. Or it could be very short. Almost instantaneous if the matter is severe enough
Incongruence - How much does this bother you? Is it a minor annoyance? Something that you just put up with? Or is it turning into a red flag? Something that is annoying you. It makes you uncomfortable. Approaching the point of being a deal-breaker. Something that is causing you a great deal of stress, and leading to dysfunction?
The incongruence can be caused by one thing or a series of things. Either way you are reaching a point where something has got to give.
Tolerance Level - This is the point where you decide you have had enough. You cannot go on like this any longer, and you are motivated to seek change. The black line on the graph maps out the incongruence over time. There comes that point where incongruence exceeds the tolerance level, and that is the Critical Moment. The threshold has been exceeded . You have had enough, and it is at this point the decision to make positive change takes place. Regard it as a window of opportunity. And the window may close if any move forward is not made within a reasonable time. We may sink back into our comfort zone.
This may also be regarded as an Awareness Level. You reach a point where you realize there is a better way. There are solutions out there. There are different approaches and you make the decision to take positive initiative to move in that direction. You were unaware, but all of a sudden you see things clearly. Things make sense. This is your "A-Ha" moment
People have different tolerance levels. Some are so high that they will never be reached. Some people are made to feel that they are incapable of change in their lives, and that holds them in their place so that they may never reach their tolerance level
Don't Stop to Ask. And Now You've Found a Break to Make At Last. You've Got to Find a Way. Say What You've Got to Say. Breakout - Breakout by Swing Out Sister
To repeat, growth is hard. Change is hard. Staying where you are is even harder. Living a life of dysfunction is even harder. When the pain of staying where you are is greater than the pain of growth, that is when change happens. Some people will lie to themselves about the pain. A false sense of security is one of the most dangerous illusions of comfort. Change happens in your life when you become more committed to your dreams than to your comfort
Strangely, life gets harder when you try to make it easy. Exercising may be hard, but never moving makes life harder. Uncomfortable conversations are hard, but avoiding every conflict is harder. Mastering your craft is hard, but having no skills is harder. Easy has a cost. Life is too short to have things lingering that are holding you back. Sometimes we don’t realize how restricted we are. How constrained we are. How constrained we have become. Don’t get comfortable in dysfunction. You have to stir yourself up. You have all you need inside of you. You are capable of more than you know.
How does it feel outside your Comfort Zone? You got it! Uncomfortable. Growth will be uncomfortable because you have never been here before. You have never seen this version of you before. Give yourself a little grace and breathe through it. I’ve got you.
The adventure along your Crooked Path is about to begin. I will see you out there.
Check Your CPS (Crooked Path System) - From time to time, I will include an activity that compliments the content of my blog. My intention is to help make what I write more meaningful to you, and help you relate to your own personal journey.
Just as we have become accustomed to checking our GPS to keep us on track, see where we have been, and consider the path forward, I encourage you to check your CPS. It will help you Make That Change
Your Comfort Zone
2. That Critical Moment
AfterNotes - Swing Out Sister- Breakout Lyrics - YouTube
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