The Long And Winding Road That Leads to Your Door
Picture this. It is a crisp Autumn Day. November 2021. I live in Winnipeg, Canada. About 50 miles North of the United States border. Winnipeg has been called the Gateway to the West. Gateways normally lead to paths. Often, they lead to new paths. Once you arrive in Winnipeg, the path can lead you right out to the Pacific Ocean, if you stick to it. And if that is where you want to go.
I am feeling a little weary, so I have been getting up from my desk occasionally. I allow myself that courtesy. I get up and take a wander around the house. I take a look outside and see the sky is grey, but no threat of rain. The trees have been stripped of their leaves. Most have been raked up, but some are still scattered across the lawns, which are still very green for the beginning of November. They have benefited, like the rest of us, from a beautiful summer of warm weather, and late season rain. Moisture being held in the ground to be stored there in anticipation of next Spring’s revival. I stick my head outside the front door, and the coolness of the Fall air is refreshing. I see there are a couple packages that I have been expecting. One containing some books that I have ordered, and the other some golf gear. These are two of my obsessions lately. Reading and golfing. Alas, the golf season has come to an end here, but I have memories of a great year, where I played my highest number of rounds ever, and met some new friends. Thankfully, reading has no season.
As I gather the packages up off of my deck, my mind moves swiftly to my companion of 15 years, Bomber, my Golden Retriever. I had to say goodbye to Bomber a few months earlier,
at the end of June. He had lived a long life. I had him euthanized a few weeks shy of his 15th birthday. His legs had finally given out on him. He had been having difficulty with the stairs for a while. He stopped going down the basement last Winter. It was too difficult. Then his hind legs started giving out on him in the Spring. I would support him at the back, and that would allow him to get up. He would have good days and bad days. With my help, he managed. But then he started having problems with his front legs as well. He could not lift himself up. And even if I was able to get him on all fours, he could not stay up. It was time to say good-bye to my constant companion, and the most unconditional friend I ever had.
The average lifespan of a Golden is 10 to 12 years, so I had some bonus years with him, and I am truly grateful for that. He was the best dog ever. We all say that about our pets, I know. Bomber was gentle, smart, loyal, loving, fun, goofy, and beautiful in every way. Anyone who has ever owned a Golden Retriever knows what I mean. What made me think of him is that the UPS driver who delivers in my area, would always leave a treat for Bomber, when he had a package for me. He would leave a dog cookie on top of my package. Nice touch. I had yet to tell the driver that Bomber was not with me anymore. So, I gather my packages, and Bomber’s cookie and come inside. I would give the cookie to the neighbour's dog later.
Feeling refreshed, and with cobwebs cleared, I head back downstairs to my desk, and back to.... Let’s call it.... work. I usually take the stairs to the basement one at a time, for a few reasons. First one being, to avoid a fall. The stairs are carpeted and can be slippery depending on what is on your feet. Secondly, this old grey mare ain’t what he used to be. Into my sixties, as I write this, I am feeling the miles on this late model body of mine. Effects of arthritis, particularly on my feet, and left hip, cause me to be cautious to avoid an untimely incident. Living alone and all, that would be awkward. I am in no hurry.
Funny that I am tired at three-thirty in the afternoon. I slept well, until nine this morning. I had my share of coffee, and any more will just keep me up tonight. I am retired after all, and have the right and privilege to be tired, I suppose. Even take a nap if I am so inclined. This just happens to be a day where I don’t have a lot scheduled. In fact, I have nothing scheduled. My Ford Escape shall remain parked in the back driveway for the day. Funny how the fact that you have a free day can make you sleepy. Plus, it is cloudy outside. A dreary day. Days are getting shorter. Seasonal Affected Disorder. Yes, we will go with that.
It is Autumn. Autumn around here can feel like Winter. The seasons where I live are all relative. Not just based on the calendar but based on feel. With that in mind, Autumn in
Winnipeg can seem as short as two weeks. The summer heat dissipates. The leaves turn and fall off the trees. All of a sudden, we have freezing temperatures and snow by Halloween!
Traditionally, Autumn is symbolic of things like Plenty, Harvest, and Abundance. Reaping what you have sown earlier in the year. For me it is also a time for reflection. There may be a couple more months left in the year, but as Christmas approaches, who has time to reflect? It is also a time of planning for how to accomplish all I set out to do in the year. How to finish the year with a bang, so to speak.
Activity moves from outside to being indoors, so the timing is perfect for reflection. I review. I look back. I look back at the Summer, just past. I look back at the year. I think of the experiences, the people, and the feelings. I think of the actions, events, and circumstances leading up to these encounters. I realize that everything is connected. I can go back as far as you would like. Following the breadcrumbs of my life back into the forest, until everything tends to blur. Looking back is hard work. It can tire you out. It tires me out. Of course, I have many more years to reflect back on than many other people. Where did the time go?
I worked for over thirty-eight years with the same company. You don’t see that much anymore. Someone may have several career changes by the time they are 30 these days. Just thinking about a thirty-eight-year career makes me tired. It is said that there are two types of tired. One that requires rest, and another that requires peace. I have been getting lots of rest lately, so....
A little more about me. I retired in May of 2020 at sixty-two years old. Just over two months into the pandemic. I had been working over two months from home as a result, and it was a nice way to ease into retirement. I keep myself busy, so there are plenty of things that will make me physically tired. I have organizing and chores to do around my home. I golf. I visit the local fitness center two to three times a week, especially when it is not golf season. I did hold a casual part-time job, but not any longer. Consider the various other errands and encounters that happen during everyday life, and I have the framework for an active week. I sleep well, for the most part. Six and a half to seven hours a night. I do have the luxury of doing almost all of these things at my leisure. Living my life according to my agenda.
I live on my own. Twice divorced. Yes, twice. I have two children, who are grown up and have graduated from university. They are both professionals and have both moved out West. In between all my activities, there are gaps. Spaces in my schedule that are unencumbered. Don’t we all? I believe it is how you use those spaces that can tell you a lot about yourself. They are also one of the keys to your effectiveness Those spaces are the times I will often use to think. To reflect. I will also schedule time in my week for just that. And at other times, the thoughts just come unexpectedly. Free time will do that do you. There is a thought, a cue, a trigger, and all of a sudden the memories and feelings flow back. Flooding my mind if I let them. It can be distracting, and that is why I try to schedule time to think and reflect. The scheduled time is obviously not enough. My brain just has a lot it wants to say.
I am a thinker. A reflector. A find-meaning, connect-the-dots sort of person. I am also a
searcher. A continuous and lifelong learner. Looking for answers and seeking to understand. This has been developed and acquired over time, and out of necessity. Stephen Hawking said that “Quiet people have the loudest minds”. I hate labels. In the past, I have been labeled as a lot of things. And if we are not careful, we can let these labels define us. Having things mislabeled is not a good thing. Like labeling the salt container as sugar, and vice versa. The results are usually not good.
I try to avoid overthinking. Overthinking is the art of creating problems that don’t exist. Creating problems that were never there. It can create blurred lines, and self-doubt. Overthinking can take away your peace. And there’s that word again. Peace.
Thankfully, I don’t overthink much anymore. I have learned how to control it. There were times I did, that is for sure. More chaotic times in my life. Now I have time to think. I get my thoughts out. I write. I journal. I try not to dwell on anything for any length of time without that thought going somewhere. I channel my thoughts. I develop coping strategies. Again, out of necessity. Learn, adapt, and grow. That could be my mantra. Acquired over time. Life is full of lessons. So many. No wonder I am tired. Most often my thoughts are “How did I get here?” and “Where do I go now?”
My life is a Crooked Path. I venture to say that yours is too. Not the same as mine, as we all
have our own paths to follow. Life is a journey, and my thoughts turn to the paths I have traveled. I think of the roads in my journey. The twists and turns, and dead ends. The times I got off track. The times I got lost and could not find my way. Taking the wrong turns. Going in the wrong direction. The detours. The gateways and transitions. The storms encountered. You get the picture. How did I ever get from there to here? Life is not a straight line.
Looking back, you can see that last bend in the road and images on the horizon of where you just were. The skylines of your recent memories. That’s not hard to recall. But how did I get from the uncertainty of a strange road traveled a few years ago, to what feels like the relative stability of the rest stop of retirement where I am today. How did I get back on track after being way off course years ago, and thinking that I may be at a dead end? How did I almost get to that dead end in the first place, considering I was at a period in my life where I felt free and clear, and that smooth sailing was in my future? I consider the hills and valleys, the straight-aways. The bumpy roads. The times I was stuck. The times I felt alone.
Many Times I've Been Alone, And Many Times I've Cried. Anyway, You'll Never Know the Many Ways I've Tried. And Still They Lead Me Back to the Long and Winding Road
I am at a time of relative stability in my life, but that isn’t a certainty. What does the future hold? These are things that occupy my mind. Time for reflection. Time for gratitude and to count my blessings. And time to contemplate what comes next, as I would like to think I am not finished yet. Not by a long shot. But as grateful as I am, if I let it, the past weighs heavy. No one’s life is a straight line. I mostly think about why things happened the way they did. What could I have done differently? Was I even capable at the time? Along with the blessings along the way, I think of the problems, the mistakes, and the obstacles. I think of the people I met. The people that I loved. The people that influenced me, and those that treated me poorly. Those that got me off track, and those that helped me back. The times of great joy, and the times of great sorrow. I think of the people that hurt me, and those that I hurt, and disappointed. I think of those people who inspired me. My rise, and my fall. My efforts to figure things out. It may sound dramatic, but in reality, it is life. My life. And I suspect you may ask yourself the same, or similar, questions. If you allow yourself to, that is.
Who am I? I am not famous. Not a movie star, sports hero, or politician. No. I am just me.
Just like you are just you. Our lives can be dramatic to us, as we are the stars of the show. The plot revolves around us. But we are not islands. What we do or say makes a difference, and shapes who we are and where we are going in life. We are also social beings. What we do and say affects others. Especially those who are close to us.
We all have different questions we could ask ourselves about our lives, if we choose to. I feel that these are questions that need to be asked. If we don’t know where we have come from, how do we know where we are going to? How are we going to get there with some degree of certainty? The past can predict our future, but it doesn’t have to. What we resist, persists. If we want some control over the future, it is best that we come to terms with our past. And we can do that through Self-Awareness.
Self-Awareness may be the greatest life skill. Self-awareness is about being honest with ourselves. It is how we learn, understand, and grow. It is how we figure out how we got from there to here, and then how best to get to where we wish to go. Self-Awareness is the ability to think about our thoughts. This is unique to us as humans and separates us from the animal kingdom. This is such an essential skill.
I have found that as I look back, the blurriness comes into focus. Memories flood back like they happened yesterday. Clarity is like a fresh breeze in the face, or maybe a slap. I am nothing extraordinary, but I look back and say that I have had an extraordinary life. It has taken me years to reach that conclusion, and I realize how fragile life is. Life is like a house of cards. I believe you can say that too. Your life is extraordinary. You may not think so because of where you are on your journey, but it is extraordinary because of what is inside you, and your potential to be all you can be, and were created to be despite where you may have been. It is extraordinary because of your ability to improve, make things right, move forward, and achieve your goals and all you want in life.
I know I have led a life that is more fortunate than most. But my life has been harder than it needed to be. If only my path was straighter. I think many of us can say the same thing. I contemplate where I am right now, and how things would be easier if things had been different. If I had chosen differently. I think of the poor decisions I made. I think of what led to those poor decisions. I think about things that happened to me that were beyond, or seemed to be, beyond my control. I think of the people in my life, the experiences, and the events that shaped me from my earliest memories. Is there anything that I could have done differently to prevent these things from happening or navigate them differently. Why did things happen the way they did?
Life Can Only Be Understood Backwards, But It Must Be Lived Forwards
According to philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard, “Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards”. Finding my way, lessons learned, falls from grace, and redemption. This is my Crooked Path. I encourage you to consider your Crooked Path as well. Where have you been? Where are you going? How will you get there? Do you like what you see? Realize that you can look back on your path without regret, wherever it has taken you, whatever has happened, and move positively into the future.
Clarity comes from Self-Awareness. That is a good starting point. It is my goal to be an encourager, a supporter, a cheerleader, and an affirmer to those who choose to take this journey. It is my goal to be that person that I needed in my life at certain times, and no one seemed to be there.
Whoever you are, I welcome you to my site. We may eventually interact, but even if we don’t I hope that over time you will connect with what you read and see here. This site will continually evolve, as it is part of my journey. Not just in a straight line, but in an upward spiral. I hope it has that effect on you. It is an honour to have you be a part of it
Life is lived on the Crooked Path. I will see you there.
AfterNotes -
The Long and Winding Road - The Beatles
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