If You Own Your Story, You Get To Write The Ending - Brene Brown
As I am sitting at my desk with my laptop staring at me, I am thinking. Thinking of what I want to say. Thinking of what words to use to communicate what I want to say effectively. I think of a phrase. Mull over it. Type it. Look at it. Erase it, and then try again. I cycle through this process for longer than I would like to admit, and then I settle in, and the words will flow for a while. Whether that be for a few seconds or for several minutes. Until the ink in my mind runs dry, and the whole process starts all over again. I look at what I wrote. Does it say what I want to say? Does it flow? Does it make sense? What do I want to say next? What I have just described is an example of me thinking about my thoughts. Specifically, my thoughts regarding what I am writing.
Also, I realize my eyes are bothering me. Some words I am typing appear out of focus. I
reach for my glasses. I should be wearing them anyway. I yawn. Feeling a little tired from a late night yesterday. Also, I am starting to get hungry, and notice that it will be dinner time in about two hours. My eyes are bothering me. I am tired. I am hungry. What do I want for dinner? What did I have yesterday? Should I keep writing, or take a break? Do something else. Read. Make something to eat. Order take-out. What do I feel like doing tonight? What I have just described here is an example of me thinking about my feelings.
This whole process is something that is unique to us all as human beings. We have the ability to think about our thoughts. We have the ability to think about our feelings. This ability is called Self-Awareness. I have been writing a lot about Self-Awareness, and for good reason. It may be the most important ability we have to help us on our paths. Self-Awareness allows us to be able to learn from our experiences, grow and move forward. It allows us to evaluate what has worked in the past, and what has not, and provides a basis for what we need to do, or not do, to get moving in the direction we want to go.
Animals cannot do this. I know many dog, cat and animal lovers will take issue with this.
Even I have referred to my golden retriever, Bomber, as being almost human. He was so smart, and his expressions and love were almost certain proof that he was more than an animal. But our ability to think, learn, communicate, and control our environments makes us generally different than all animals. Our pets are conditioned to behave in certain ways. No doubt they have emotions, but I believe when we regard them as being like humans it is really just us projecting our own emotions and imaginations onto them.
Self-Awareness allows us to step back and examine everything in our lives. Where we have been. Where we are going. Who we are. The way we see ourselves, others and the world. Our mindsets, and how they were formed. We can look at where we have been, and where we are now. It really allows that guiding light for our path forward. Our self-awareness allows us to change.
Life is all about choices. There is much we can’t control in our lives, but the one thing we can control is our choices. How we choose to respond to what is going on around us. With our ability to be self-aware, we can choose to see where we are in life, and why we are there. We can choose how we see ourselves.
I Am Not An Animal! I Am A Human Being. I Am A Man. - John Merrick, from the film "The Elephant Man"
We are not who other people say we are. We are not determined by our conditions or our conditioning. These things can contribute to why we are where we are, how we are feeling, and why we are getting, or not getting, certain results in our life. But these things do not determine or define us. Remember the story of Viktor Frankl and his experiences in the concentration camps of World War II. He survived by discovering that between any Stimulus (What happens to you or around you) and your Response to the stimulus, is your freedom to choose that response. We can choose the type of person we want to be.
Between Stimulus and Response there is a space. In that space lies our Freedom to Choose
our response. And in our response lies our Growth and Happiness. In that space, there really is a pause button. We need to press that button, especially in situations that are emotional, complicated, or multi-dimensional. And even more so if the situation involves other people. If you don’t press pause, you are liable to react. And just as we react when we are startled, a reactionary decision is often knee-jerk. Not the smoothest, not the best, and often wrong. They say not to make a decision when you are angry, sad, depressed, and just plain emotional. Never make decisions when you are tired. If it doesn’t feel quite right, press pause. We have the ability to do that. We don’t just need to react like a dog when you pick up its leash or its favorite toy. Not everything needs a reaction. Practice the pause. The more you react, the more you repeat the past. The more you pause and respond, the more you create the future.
You may have to develop your capability to pause. Maybe you have been brought up in a
reactive environment where people were quick to criticize, accuse, and blame. Maybe you work in an environment like that. The good news is that you can use your self-awareness to realize if you are or have been reacting. You can use your Creative Power to imagine different and better ways of responding. You can use your Moral Sense to choose which response is best, and you have the Driven Resolution to act and respond accordingly and differently. These are your unique human capabilities. You can respond based on reason, rather than react based on feelings or circumstances. And you can do this if you just press pause.
Reframing your perspective is a powerful move. Pressing pause turns every experience into a chance for growth, wisdom, and understanding. You are responding responsibly. I call this Owning Your Response. You are showing that you are responsible for your actions. And this is absolutely necessary for moving forward. You must take responsibility for where you have been, where you are, and where you are going. You must own your path. Real growth takes place when you start checking and correcting yourself instead of blaming others. You take your power back by being responsible for your own life. No more saying, "That's just who I am".
Our behavior is a function of our choices. Where we are in life is a result of decisions that we have made. And if we are off course or not happy with where we are right now in our lives, we have the responsibility to get ourselves back on track and make things happen in our lives. And we have the ability to do just that.
We Are Not Our Past Mistakes Or Poor Choices. We Are Not The Obstacles We Have Faced Or The People That Treated Us Poorly
We can learn from our mistakes. We can choose differently. We can overcome any obstacles and develop ourselves to deal with everything that lies ahead of us on our paths. No excuses will ever explain away bad behavior and attitudes that led to our past mistakes. Take responsibility. Own them. Learn from them. Correct them and move on. When you take responsibility, you put yourself in a position to do something about it.
Consider the definition of the word, Ownership. Ownership is the act, state, or right of owning something. It is easy to think of ownership in terms of possessions, such as owning a house, car, a cottage, a wine collection, a collection of sports memorabilia, or whatever you may be into. But what about owning yourself? What does that mean?
When you own yourself, you accept yourself fully... including your strengths and
weaknesses... You are highly self-aware. You accept responsibility for your own life. You stop blaming and pointing fingers. You are responsible for your mindset. You are responsible for your actions. You decide what you want and move forward with intention. You take responsibility for the results you want and get in your life.
Ownership is not only the fact, but it is the feeling that something is yours. Taking ownership is one of the most important attributes of moving forward successfully on your path. It is the ability to be accountable for your actions, decisions, and the consequences that come with them. Taking ownership involves taking responsibility for your successes, as well as your failures. In virtually every situation we face during a given day, there are things we could have handled differently. More effectively. There are things that we could do better next time. Whether it be communicate more effectively. Be more organized or prepared. Practice better leadership skills.
You are responsible for your life, but you also own it. Notice the difference. Taking ownership is similar to taking responsibility but goes a step further. It involves not only acknowledging and accepting accountability for one’s actions, but actively demonstrating a sense of buy-in and commitment towards achieving the best possible outcome. It is not just about fulfilling responsibilities. It is about going the extra mile, showing initiative, and striving to be and do better.
Look at this in terms of Owning Your Path. Whatever happens to you, you are responsible
for your response. You have the capacity to respond in the most effective way to move you forward and get the results you want. The more you realize that, and own that, the more effective you will be. Your behavior is a result of your choices and not circumstances or conditioning. If the way we respond is based on our conditions, or the way we are feeling, it is because we are allowing that to be the case, whether you realize it or not. You are allowing those things to control you. And when you do that, you are being reactive. Respond and you are contributing to your growth and happiness. Reacting results in the opposite.
Reactive people are affected by their emotions. How they are feeling. Stressed. Angry. Anxious. These and other strong feelings can cause someone to react. Reactive people are affected by their relationships. They often build their lives around the weaknesses of others. If they are treated well, they are happy. If someone missteps... look out. They allow the weaknesses of other people to control them.
People that own their path do not react. Their actions are not based on circumstances or conditions. They respond. They press pause and choose the best response that will move them forward to where they want to go, and who they want to be. I know this may sound too good to be true. How can someone be this way? It takes time, intention and effort.
They Cannot Take Away Our Self-Respect If We Do Not Give It To Them - Ghandi
It is about being in control. It is about knowing who you are. What you want and how to get there. It is about self-love, self-respect, healing, and owning your past. If something hurts us, or has hurt us emotionally, it is because we have allowed it, or are allowing it to. We have to own that feeling.
Many of us don’t realize that we are avoiding feeling certain feelings. Especially the difficult ones such as anger, grief, shame, sadness, and guilt. Instead, we often bury, suppress, deny, project them outward onto others, dwell on them, brood over them, and / or avoid them.
Thinking that your problems are someone else’s fault is a complete insult to your own ability to take responsibility and learn. Stephen Covey, author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” states, “...until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of choices that I made yesterday” that person cannot say, “I choose otherwise”. That is hard to take, especially if we have spent years pointing fingers and blaming others and our conditions for all of our problems. It is a matter of owning our path... Past, present, and future.
That is not meant to say that any pain or trauma that someone has endured is their fault. I say this to anyone who has been abused, emotionally, physically, verbally or in any other way. I understand the destructive effects of trauma when you are in the midst of it. How someone fights for survival in those situations, never mind trying to find a way out. However, you are responsible for your healing. A hard truth is that people in those situations don't love themselves enough to stop any of the poor behaviors they are experiencing, and the things that they do not deserve. Their intuition is telling them this isn't right, and that they deserve so much more. Their intuition may be screaming at them to leave. But they don't have the self-worth and self-love, so they stay in that situation. So that poor behavior is allowed and it continues. Eventually, that could ruin you. So the first choice someone in these situations has, is to believe that they are worthy of more. That they deserve better. To love themselves. To set up boundaries and standards and stop settling for less. I always say with every opportunity for growth, it starts with one thought... It starts with one step.... And it does start with you.
It is important to understand the difference between being Aware and being Self-Aware. Awareness is the state of being conscious of something. Noticing things. It involves the ability to perceive, observe, or recognize things around you and within you. Really it is essential for survival. We are born with awareness. Suddenly, a newborn is pushed out of the warmth and peace of their mother’s abdomen to a cold, noisy, and relatively hostile environment. The immediate reaction to that awareness is to cry. Once wrapped up and placed in the comfort of its mother's arms, that awareness of safety causes the infant to settle.
Awareness can be broad and encompass a wide range of stimuli and can include awareness of our senses (We see, hear, smell, and feel things), and it can be mental or emotional awareness (such as feeling tired, happy, sad or excited). Awareness encompasses the overall state of being conscious.
I Think, Therefore I Am - Rene Descartes
Self-awareness is a specific form of awareness that involves not only being conscious of oneself. But it is also the ability to recognize and understand one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, and actions. It goes beyond basic awareness to include introspection and insight into one’s own identity and existence.
Awareness can be directed outward or inward. It is the fact that you are aware of what is around you, and how you are feeling inside. Self-awareness focuses on the individual’s internal state. It focuses on their identity. It involves the ability to be introspective and deeply understand one's thoughts and emotions.
Awareness is necessary for survival, but it will not move you forward effectively in the long-term. Typically, awareness causes a reaction.
Whatever the stimuli is, causes us to move towards comfort, or away from discomfort. For example, feeling cold will cause us to put on a sweater, hearing excessive noise while studying causes us to move to somewhere quieter, or seeing someone you don’t get along with will cause you to get stressed and avoid them.
Self-Awareness is really taking responsibility for your feelings. Owning them. Recognizing how certain situations cause you to feel and understand why this is so. Learning from them. It gives you an understanding as to who you are and why. This is my identity, and this is why things are the way they are in my life. And if things are not the way I would like them to be, I may have to change some things about myself.
Being self-aware is realizing that you have been getting cold a lot lately, and so you need to dress warmer, or dress in layers. Maybe you are coming down with something and should see your doctor. It is realizing the noise where you study, read, or work is distracting so you check out other possible locations, wear earplugs or noise-silencing headphones, or change your schedule. It is realizing that you work with the person you don’t get along with and that is awkward and stressful. Rather than avoid them, you reach out to them to see if you can make amends and find a way to work amicably, together.
Being aware is insufficient to move you along your path. By seeking comfort, or avoiding discomfort, you are avoiding the necessary tasks required to move forward. This is typical of a dependent relationship, and even an abusive situation.
We are born with awareness. Self-awareness needs to be taught, especially in our homes.
Ultimately, self-awareness is acquired, regardless of whether it is taught in the home or not. It does come naturally but the degrees of, and levels of. self-awareness differ and are something we develop over time based on the influence of our parents and from other sources as we grow and follow our paths into adulthood.
Teaching children self-awareness is more of a topic these days, but it was not when I was a child. Parents should talk to their children about their emotions. Children need to be taught how to regulate their emotions to build their overall self-awareness. They need to be able to describe what they are feeling and why they are feeling that way. They should be told that it is okay for them to feel that way. In doing so, you can teach them positive ways of releasing their emotions, instead of negative or destructive ways, or even holding them inside.
People who are not self-aware are afraid to be vulnerable. They are hesitant to open up. Talking about feelings may have been taboo in their family. They may be worried that they will be judged or rejected by others. This causes them to remain unaware of the nature of their feelings, thoughts, motives, and behaviors, including the origins, reasons, and validation of them all.
I think back to some of my own experiences as an adolescent and early teen. Experiencing and witnessing emotional and verbal abuse within my own home. Experiencing lingering periods of tension within our home. Being bullied at school. Drifting away from friends of my childhood. Feeling alone. These and other experiences. I was aware of these things happening around me and to me. But I did not know why. Why was there tension at home. Why did my dad find fault with me and my brothers. We were good kids. We never got in trouble. We had good marks in school. We were well liked by our teachers, the parents of our friends, and others who knew us. Why was I bullied? I never hurt anyone. Why did I not know what I wanted? Why did I go from being enthusiastic a few years prior, in Grade School, to being withdrawn now in Junior High. These and other issues. I would discover that one of the problems for me at the time, and for a while as I grew, was my lack of self-awareness.
You Leave Home, You Move On, And You Do The Best You Can. I Got Lost In This Whole World And Forgot Who I Am - from "The House That Built Me" - Miranda Lambert
Imagine the difficulties that a lack of self-awareness can cause in a child’s development and in an individual’s life.
Poor Decision Making – Individuals not knowing who they are and not understanding their values, strengths, weaknesses, and motives, can result in them making choices that are not aligned with their true selves. Making poor choices relating to their education, careers, relationships, and direction in life. Ending up in the wrong field of study. Wrong job. Wrong career. Wrong relationship.
I didn't know what I wanted to do once I finished high school, other than go to university. I
didn't know what I wanted to pursue as a career. I realize that many kids don't, and shouldn't be expected to at that stage, but at least they are thinking about and exploring possibilities. Discussing with parents, teachers, friends, or guidance counsellors.
I wasn't aware of any passion that I had that could be furthered in study and turned into a career. If you don’t know that, how can you choose the right path of study? I was encouraged (perhaps pressured, and maybe even told) that a business education was best, and not to take anything that is general, or anything that won't lead to a good job when you graduate with your degree. That was the main "advice" that I was getting. Not being asked what I would like to do, or what I thought. I was not confident in sharing any thoughts that I might have had, as my experience was that they would be discouraged or downplayed.
I would end up enrolling in Engineering in my first year of university. Not because I had an interest in designing or building things, but because it was specific, it was different (my brother had enrolled in Commerce the year before and I was constantly living in his shadow), and I was proficient in Math and the Sciences in High School. It turned out to be a very difficult year. I would transfer faculties and eventually graduate with a Commerce degree. But I still was not totally engaged in what I was studying. I graduated and got a job in Sales and Marketing. It was a great experience, but ultimately it turned out that I was not suited for the position. I really didn't like what I was doing, and I would only last in the job for one and a half years, and I would be out looking again.
A lack of self-awareness not only leads to a poor decision, but it can also lead to a string of poor decisions until you finally take ownership of what is happening in your life. Each poor decision gets you further off your path. If you don't know who you are... Your true self... How can you make any decisions that are aligned?
You Can't Get What You Want 'Til You Know What You Want - Joe Jackson
Interpersonal Issues – Without self-awareness, individuals may struggle to understand how their behavior and actions impact others. This can lead to interpersonal conflicts, strained relationships, and difficulty in working together with others in personal and professional settings.
I really did not know myself as a teen. I did not own myself. I guess I could say in many ways I did not like myself. I would do something that is typical of teens and people in general when you are unaware of yourself at any age. I would seek security in a relationship with someone else. I would seek attachment. That would lead to unhealthy relationships, then and in the future.
I would have difficulties in group settings. I didn't care for group projects. I worked much better, and preferred to work, on my own. This would be more of a problem in university where you couldn't really get away with sinking into the background. I had an experience in university that awakened me as to how I was perceived in group settings, and that knocked me out of my comfort zone. That caused me to adapt, but it was a slow process. I would carry this forward into my career as I attended team meetings and attended training courses. What helped me over time was having a strong facilitator that made sure that everyone was heard and appreciated.
Stagnation and Lack of Growth – Self-awareness is crucial for personal growth and development. Without it, people remain where they are. Stagnant. Repeating the same patterns and mistakes without learning from them. Again, relating to poor decision making. Resulting in false starts, getting off course, and spinning your wheels.
It would take about five years after graduating from university for me to feel any traction and
direction in my career. I would finally find something that resonated with me, as I was approaching thirty years old. Imagine what difference having this revelation would have had if this happened when I was a teen. During this period, I dealt with a lot with people. Customers, Peers, Senior Management. And all of that experience was valuable in my development and finally pushing me forward. It resulted in opportunities. Imagine how things may have been different if I had experiences as a teen where I felt seen, heard, and understood.
One of the most significant opportunities I had was a role in Training and Development, which would play a major role in my career. I was constantly stepping outside my comfort zone. As I did that, I realized that what once seemed fearful became familiar. Things would ebb and flow, but my path was finally moving forward.
Difficulty Handling Stress and Challenges – A lack of self-awareness can hinder one’s ability to deal with stress and challenges effectively. Without understanding their own emotional responses and coping mechanisms, individuals may struggle to deal with emotional situations.
I became fairly good at dealing with stress at work and in my career. Maybe because most relationships were at arms-length at work. Magically you find a way to get things done. The problem would be at home. As it turns out both me, and my wife, would carry dysfunction that we grew up with into our marriage, and that would cause challenges. More appropriately, the lack of self-awareness of how are backgrounds affected us, would cause challenges in our marriage. Neither of us owned our past, so it was hard moving forward as a couple.
If we don't heal the dysfunction and trauma we have experienced, especially as children, we carry that with us and the cycle of dysfunction continues. That would continue to be an ongoing issue in my closest relationships.
Inability to Adapt – Those lacking self-awareness may find it challenging to recognize when adjustments are necessary and may resist change, thus hindering their progress.
Much of my career related to dealing with change. Things were changing in the company, in the industry, in the economy and the world. When I started my career so many systems were paper-based and manual. As I progressed, things became automated, computerized, and centralized. The internet was introduced. Much of my career was in the field of Training and Development, so I was part of teams that took the lead in many of the change initiatives, to ensure employees had the skills and abilities to do their jobs. By default, I learned to adapt and had a change mindset from early in my career.
It was harder at home. Different ideas. Different priorities. Different mindsets. I experienced that problems relating to a lack of self-awareness are multi-layered.
Poor Communication – Effective communication requires an understanding of one’s own
communication style, as well as an awareness of how others perceive and interpret messages. Without self-awareness, your message may not be getting across, and the messages of someone else may not be getting received by you. Resulting in misunderstandings and disagreements
During my teen years, I was any combination of shy, reserved and withdrawn. One of my main tasks throughout my life has been to find my voice. To speak up so that I was heard, and to speak out so that I was understood. It has been a lifelong journey. It is ironic that I got a sales position when I graduated university, when I really did not have a sales personality. I would come to realize that you didn't have to be a hard-sell sort of person to influence people, and that would be the path I would forge for myself. Gradually, my confidence would increase as I sought opportunities to speak in front of others, in groups and one-on-one. Speaking in front of others and to others became a major role in my career, as my Training and Development role evolved into a focus on Customer Service
Lack of Accountability – Low self-awareness will result in not taking accountability for your actions. Blaming external factors. Finger-pointing, instead of recognizing your own role. As I have stated, when you do that, you are empowering those things and people that you blame to control you.
I have done my share of that. Growing up and living in environments where there was a lot of blame going on, you cannot help but get defensive. Marrying someone who had grown up in a similar environment would cause defensiveness in my marriage. It had become a lifelong task for me to deal with these situations effectively. Again, I would be better at it at work. But even work would turn toxic in many ways. At home, it was a greater challenge. I have come to now truly be willing to take responsibility for my involvement in any conflicts or problems, whether it be interpersonal or just my own issues. Own it. Do something about it. Be part of the solution, and not part of the problem.
Decreased Emotional Intelligence – This involves a lack of understanding of one’s emotions and managing one’s emotions and responding to the emotions of others. A lack of the ability to press the pause button, so you can respond and not react.
Again, coming out of emotional environments, there was a lot of reacting going on at home. I would try to be the calm in the storm. The voice of reason. Sometimes that worked. Other times I ended up being the doormat. But it is all about owning your emotions, and having confidence in yourself.
Difficulty in Building and Leading Teams – Self-awareness is crucial in leadership roles. Personal and team leadership. A lack will cause individuals to not understand the needs and strengths of team members. A lack of self-awareness can cause a lack of confidence, and affect your decision-making and relations with team members, especially those that see things differently than you.
As my career progressed, I became known as non-judgmental and a good listener. People would gravitate to me. I was recognized as a leader formally and informally. Having said that, it is easy to lead those people that resonate with you. Not so easy with those that do not agree with you, and that would be a challenge,
Low Self-Esteem – Without self-awareness, individuals may struggle with low self-esteem issues as they may lack a clear understanding of their worth and capabilities.
This would define my adolescent, teenage, and early adulthood years. But I also found that as I strived to move forward and figure things out, the right people came across my path. Usually at the right time, and new doors and opportunities would open.
Each person taught me something. That is part of being self-aware. Even if they provided just one puzzle piece. Little by little, that opened me up. It would add something to my character. Help me figure things out. They would show me something in me that I was not aware of. Open me to new possibilities, and new directions on my path. When you feel seen, heard, and understood, it is like a breath of fresh air. And you move further on your path. These people were true angels I encountered as I moved forward.
Self-awareness is foundational for moving forward on your path. It is necessary to make good decisions and navigate challenges along the way. Self-awareness can cause mindset shifts, where individuals see themselves, others, and the world in entirely different ways. You can go deep into what life is asking of you. New groundbreaking perspectives can propel you forward into making significant differences in your life and the lives of others.
I can look back and say a lack of self-awareness affected me in all of these areas. Did it hold me back? Yes. Did it stop me? No. Because I would become increasingly self-aware, and I would come to own my path. That didn't stop me from making some big mistakes
One thing Self-Awareness has done for me was to ensure that I encouraged it in my children at a young age. I chose to feel, heal, and break the cycle. My life has been one of self-growth and dealing with negative mindsets, negative self-images, and forgiving myself and others. Healing from all of that. A result has been that my children have made so many good choices in their lives. In their education, relationships and careers. Decisions and achievements that I felt nowhere near capable of making when I was their age, going to school, and once out in the workforce. And that is not a bad legacy to pass on.
Self-awareness really is the essence of owning your path. In the words of Yung Pueblo -
"You can change your location, meet new people, and still have the same old problems. To truly change your life, you need to look inward, get to know and love yourself and heal the trauma and dense conditioning in your mind. This is how you get to the root. Internal changes have a significant external impact".
So get out there and own it. You got this!
I will see you on The Crooked Path
Check Your CPS (Crooked Path System) - From time to time, I will include an activity that compliments the content of my blog. My intention is to help make what I write more meaningful to you, and help you relate to your own personal journey.
Just as we have become accustomed to checking our GPS to keep us on track, see where we have been, and consider the path forward, I encourage you to check your CPS. It will help you Make That Change
AfterNotes - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQYNM6SjD_o
The House That Built Me - Miranda Lambert
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