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Moving Forward On The Crooked Path

jimhlifecoach

Updated: Nov 15, 2024

I Have A Feeling We're Not In Kansas Anymore - Says Dorothy to Her Dog, Toto - from The Wizard of Oz

So what now? You have taken that step. Look around. Where are you? As Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz said to her dog Toto, “I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”


That is because you are outside of your comfort zone.  And it feels different.  You have never been here before.    As I described in “Leaning Into Discomfort and The Crooked Path”, one of the first things you will feel outside of your comfort zone is freedom.  You have broken free from the old ways.  Chains that had held you back.  Things that have been weighing you down.  They are gone, even though they are maybe not forgotten.  

But it also feels scary.  The feeling of freedom can quickly dissipate when you realize that, in

fact, you have not been here before.  What do you do next?  You realize there are decisions to make and there is work to do.  You are in the Anxiety Zone and remember how that feels.  Freedom can be balanced and even outweighed by feelings of uncertainty, confusion, vulnerability, stress, self-doubt, and fear.


These are normal feelings.  And these are feelings you can use to your advantage.  Remember the Rest Stops.  Making good use of the Rest Stops, as I have described, will be of great benefit to you for what lies ahead.  You have grown.  And as you lean into discomfort and move forward, you will continue to grow.  Recall what was necessary to get you to make that change in your life.  To move forward with positive change in our lives there are three main requirements.  First,


Desire. - You have to want to change.  There is a gap, or a need, that you are experiencing.  It is causing distress, dysfunction, and/or incongruence in your life.  You have decided something needs to be done.  Things can’t keep going on this way.  Second,


Motivation - You are motivated to change.  You realize that things are not going to change on their own, and no one is coming to save you.  You are motivated to act.  And finally,


Action - You take that step.  You turn your desire and motivation into action.  All three are required for change to happen in our lives.  I call this the Triangle of Change. 


The Desire for change, if strong enough leads to Motivation.  The Motivation to change will

lead to Action, and here you are.  The action is what moves you forward along your path.  Without that step, you stay where you are.  The Triangle of Change really is the Mindset of Change.  Remember what our mindsets are.  Our mindset is how we see things.  It is the lens through which we see the world.  Our mindsets affect how we think, how we feel, what we say, what we do, and how we act.   Ultimately, our mindsets affect our habits and the results in our lives.   The Change Mindset is having the desire for change, being motivated to change, and being prepared to act in a way to initiate change in our lives. That is the framework within which change takes place. 


Let’s phrase that another way.  With a Change Mindset, every day is another opportunity to take another step towards the person you Desire to become.  You just don’t sit and dream of the life you want.  You are Motivated to make it happen.  You turn your inspiration into Action.


If you have gotten this far outside of your comfort zone, you have already adopted a change

mindset. At least temporarily.  You understood what it took to move forward.  Now what you have to do is keep it going and make change a habit.  Change is ongoing.  If you stop, you get stuck.  You get left behind.  Remember that life is difficult.  It is a series of problems waiting to be solved.  And you can do this.  If you have stepped outside your comfort zone, you have shown that you can.  Adding arrows to the Triangle of Change illustrates how change is an ongoing process. You desire change, you are motivated, and then you act.  And then you are on to the next challenge.  The next change.  Continuing to move forward.  The key to moving forward on your path is action.  Notice how without action, there would be no triangle.  It collapses.


I view the Triangle of Change in two ways.  First of all, is from what I call the micro level.  One change at a time.  Examples could be wanting that promotion, a career change, going back to school, moving to a new city, purchasing a new home, improving a dysfunctional relationship, leaving a toxic relationship, writing a book, dealing with an illness or disability...  Whatever is right in front of you.  This is what you desire.  This is what you are motivated to do something about.  You follow that up with action and you move along your path.


Then there is from the macro level.  Which I regard as making the Triangle of Change part of your overall mindset. The big picture.  You just don’t stop with one thing.  You have an attitude of Continuous Improvement.  Looking for ways to improve personally, and to encourage change around you.  Being an advocate, encourager, and supporter of change.  Not to confuse this approach with someone who is constantly unhappy with the status quo, or someone who needs to be like an Energizer Bunny.  Someone who can’t sit still, and always has to keep going and tinkering with things.  

With A Change Mindset, You Are An Advocate, Encourager, And Supporter Of Change

On the contrary, it is someone who makes Desire/Motivation/Action their calling card.  Someone with a growth mindset who has a positive outlook on things and believes in the possibilities and minimizes any limitations.  A continuous and lifelong learner.  Always thinking of new ways and better ways, and what they are going to do next that will add to their lives, and the lives of those around them.  This may sound foreign to some people, especially if positive change has not been part of their lives.  It may feel like anything from excess to being a burden.  But remember your path is a marathon and not a sprint.  You move forward at your own pace.  You can have a change mindset, and still be comfortable where you are.  But if you adapt that mindset, and stay with it, I believe it will become part of you, and almost feel like therapy as you move forward, and see the results of positive change in your life and realize what you are capable of.  The idea is to make the change mindset a habit.

In Freedom, Fear, and The Crooked Path, I stated that now you are outside of your comfort zone you, experience freedom. But with freedom comes responsibility.  Whatever you do, or don’t do, you are responsible for, and as you awaken to your freedom, you need to act.  And look what is waiting for you.  Yes....  I know....  Fear.  But we have talked about the need to change the way we look at our fears.  We need to work on our mindset regarding fear and use fear to our advantage.  Fear doesn’t need to paralyze us.  Our fears can motivate us, instruct us, guide us and be a steppingstone to success.


But look what else lies ahead.  As you adopt a Change Mindset, you move out of your

Comfort Zone, and through the Anxiety Zone, and you enter the Development Zone.  And this is where you can bloom.  See what is waiting in the Development Zone -  


First of all, your Comfort Zone has expanded.  As you step into discomfort you accomplish things you never thought were possible.  The uncomfortable becomes comfortable.  You are learning and growing.  You are acquiring new skills and doing things you never thought yourself as being capable of.  There are new challenges and opportunities.  And yes, still problems to solve, but you are showing yourself to be more than capable, and this will only become more evident as you learn and grow.  Problems just become new challenges.  New mountains to climb.  You are rising to new levels and making great progress as you follow your path.  The Development Zone is where old habits get buried, new habits are developed, and true growth takes place. 


As you change, your habits change. Our habits flow from our mindset.  Remember that our mindset affects our thoughts, and our thoughts become our reality.  Our thoughts affect our actions. Our actions ultimately form our habits.  Take that further and you see that our habits determine who we are as a person, and ultimately affect the results that we get in life, and our destiny.  The Development Zone is where you truly begin to change who you are.  Mindsets, attitudes, and behaviors all evolve.  The old becomes obsolete.  Old ideas and ideals no longer serve you in moving forward.  The task is to drop them and develop new ways that lift you up higher and move you further along your path. 


But our habits are powerful.  They constantly express who we are and determine the results, positive or negative, that we get in our lives.  The key to moving forward is developing different habits.  To repeat, according to Albert Einstein -

The Definition Of Insanity Is Doing The Same Thing Over and Over, And Expecting Different Results

Let’s take a closer look at Habits.  According to James Clear, author of the book Atomic Habits, a habit is a routine or behavior that is performed regularly, and in many cases automatically.  Small and consistent habits will lead to results.  In fact, the quality of your life depends on the quality of your habits.  To concur with Einstein’s quote, the same habits provide the same results.  But with better habits, anything is possible.  You get what you repeat.  Your habits determine your future self.  To move forward on our path, we need to be able to change our habits.  We need to build better habits.


That can be hard considering our habits determine who we are.  Habits, like our comfort zone, are like gravity.  They hold our world together.  That should not be a surprise since our habits were formed in our comfort zone.  But we are not there anymore.  We need new habits.  We need new habits so we can leave our comfort zone, and then we need them to stick, as we keep moving forward.  But as they say, old habits die hard.


What are our habits?  I define our habits as being where our Drive, Knowledge, and Skills

intersect.  Drive is the idea of being driven to do something.  The Desire and the Motivation to want to do the thing.  Knowledge is knowing what to do, and why you need to do it.  Skill is knowing how to do it.  Having the ability to do the thing.  All three are necessary for new habits to form.  You have to be motivated to do it (Drive).  You have to know what to do, and it needs to make sense to you (Knowledge).  And you need to have the Skills to do it.


Notice what is apt to happen if any of the three are missing.  If you are not driven, you won’t be motivated to form any new habits.  You are likely to remain stuck where you are.  You may be driven, but if you don’t know what to do, without building your knowledge by investigating, researching, analyzing, and just good old thinking, you may be doing all the wrong things.  Having knowledge is like having a ladder leaning against the right wall.  If you are climbing a ladder leaning against the wrong wall, you are just getting to the wrong place faster. This leads to frustration. If the ladder is leaning against the right wall, you are climbing in the right direction, and that is what knowledge provides.  If you don’t have the Skill, you simply won’t be able to do what is required to move you forward.  You won’t have the required abilities. 


This all may sound familiar.  You can imagine that Drive, Knowledge, and Skill are needed as you are preparing to leave your comfort zone. To initiate the change required. You need to do something different to break free. You need new habits.  As you break out of your comfort zone, what you have done won’t be a habit yet.  The Development Zone is where those processes become habits.  You become what you repeatedly do.


But notice the relationship between Change and Habits.  I overlay the Habits diagram on top

of the Triangle of Change and notice the relationship. Recall, that for Change to have a chance you need to have the desire and motivation.  In other words, you need to be driven.  And then for change to take place, you need to take action.  You need to take that step.  And that action, or that step, often is the acquisition of knowledge, and learning new skills to help you move along your path.  And that is exactly what is required when you are building new habits.  You need knowledge and skills.  Change and habit-forming go hand in hand.  As you change, you form new habits.  As you build new habits, you change.  This is a synergistic combination which ignites the flame within as you move forward on your path.  You are changing, learning, and growing.  You are evolving.


The Triangle of Change, Habit formation diagram. and Change/Habit relationship do not make changes any easier.  But they do provide a visual representation of what the dynamic is.  They provide a mind shifting experience for anyone who may not know where to start and what might be next.  A picture does paint a thousand words.  They provide a framework, but on their own they are incomplete.  Just like the framework and foundation for a house is incomplete.  You need to add bricks, mortar, paint, the interior design, etc. That is your responsibility.  What you add to your Triangle of Change depends on you and your unique situation. And it also is your responsibility.  What is the change?  What habits are needed?  As I have stated, change is hard.  Life is difficult.  Growth is difficult.  There is no quick fix.  But there is a path.  Consider these as guideposts along your path, meant to assist.  Keep them in your toolbox.


What You Are Really Doing As You Move Forward Is Manifesting Your Future

You are manifesting what you want in your life.  You are manifesting your destiny.  You are creating your future.


Just as in nature, there are natural laws to our own personal growth.  Our growth is gradual.  It comes in phases.  There are successive steps.  It is sequential.  People will grow through phases faster than others, but you really can’t skip steps.  If you are starting at A, and the next phases are B and C to get to D, you cannot go directly from A to D. You must go through B then C first.  All are necessary for us to develop and grow.


Your growth becomes a lot easier when you stop comparing your journey to others.  You

have a totally unique path.  You have your own original way of manifesting what you want in your life.  Yes, we all manifest within a framework, such as the Triangle of Change, but you have the uniqueness to determine what goes into, and onto that frame.  You are the creator.  You are the artist.  Many people have been taught that this isn’t the case.  Those who have been brought up in a regimented household may have been told that, “this is the way it is done”.  Not only with performing basic everyday tasks, but many are taught this is what you should believe.  This is how you should think.  This is who your friends should be.  This is what you should study. This is how you should live.  But this is not reality.  Of course, there are basic universal principles of right and wrong that need to be taught, but when it comes to our development, it is a very individualized process. 


In some households it may be difficult to express your individuality, and that is one reason why people grow and go through different phases at different paces.  But there comes a time when we break free and become less dependent and controlled.  And that is the point at which each one of us starts.  Understanding that allows us to move forward within our own capabilities.  Running our own race.  Keeping our eyes on our own lane.  Expressing the uniqueness that is within us all.

I Believe That Children Are Our Future. Teach Them Well And Let Them Lead The Way - Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston

Just as an infant or child, we move from a state of dependency towards a state of independence.  When we are infants, we are totally dependent on our parents and others.  As children we are taken care of, attended to, reliant on, and directed by our parents.  Gradually we become independent where we are more able to look after ourselves and stand on our own.


We remain dependent in many ways, even as adults.  Dependent on our comfort zones and

everything that is in it.  Growth outside of your comfort zone is movement towards independence.  You can look after yourself.  You can make decisions.  Learn new skills.  Solve problems.  You are not dependent on any one thing, or anyone else for your security or to provide for you in any other way.  It is also a movement towards responsibility.  You are responsible for your own life.  You are not dependent on others to provide for you.  It is an entirely different mindset.  Instead of the dependency mindset of “You take care of me”, it is the independent mindset of “I can take care of myself”.  To go further, independence is the mindset of “I am responsible for taking care of myself”.  Dependence keeps you stuck.  Independence moves you forward.  Dependent people need others to provide for them, protect them, and get them what they want.  Independent people can provide for themselves.  As you move out of your comfort zone.  As you move to initiate positive change in your life, you move from dependence to independence 


People can be independent in some areas of their lives, but dependent in others.  You can be any combination of dependent or independent physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually at any stage of your life.  The key to moving forward on your path is moving from dependence to independence.  And for that, you need to embrace change.  You need to adopt new mindsets.  You must form new habits.  True independence causes us to act, rather than be a victim of our circumstances and the change happening around us.  Dependent people don’t have the confidence, skills, or abilities to move forward.  But the good news is that they have everything they need inside to acquire all of that and to move them forward.  And that is the task.  That is the goal.  You can build confidence.  You can learn new skills.  You can acquire knowledge.  You have the freedom to make choices in these and other areas of your life.

The Energy You Should Be Feeling On Your Path Is One Of Action

This could be real messy action because you are not sure.  You are experiencing the feeling of being outside your comfort zone.  The direction is forward, but you may not be totally sure on what you are walking towards.  You may know how it will or should feel, but you may not be certain of what it looks like.  Or you may be more certain of what it looks like, but you are not sure how to get there.  That is why it can get a little messy.  A lot of it is trial and error.  Some things will not go your way or turn out the way you wanted or expected, but you fail forward.  Any failures are lessons and are steppingstones to future success.  You keep moving towards your goals.  Respect any failures for the lessons they teach you, and then apply that lesson to your future steps.  You have to try different things and figure things out, as you find your way.  There is no need to fear failure.  This is your time.  You are stepping into new versions of yourself.  You have changed.  Your mindset is different.  Your habits are different.  You realize you have to try new things to get to where you want to go.  And where you are going may be an unknown space.  But it is from that unknown space that something new is being born.  Often in ways that you were not expecting.  


You won’t see a change if you do the same things every single day.  You have to be honest

 with yourself.  You have to put the work in. You have to change your habits.  But manifesting the life of your dreams isn’t about grinding, although some hard work is necessary.  It isn’t about hustling.  It is about aligning.  Aligning with the emotions of your intended future.  It is about listening to that still, small voice inside.  It is about moving to a place that is heart-centred.  It is all about alignment.  The aligned future version of you already exists out on your path.  It is about matching with that future version of you.  How do you get there?  There is no map that shows you the way.  But there is a direction.  Your task is to exercise wisdom, discipline, and discernment as you move forward.


The desires you experience are there for a reason.  Your desire for change.  Your desire to break out of your comfort zone. And your desire to move forward.  I believe they are an indication of where your soul is longing to move towards.  They are not hopeless dreams or unreachable goals.  They are meant to get you moving.  Moving in the direction that you were always meant to walk towards.  They are meant to motivate you.  You must release any fear that you are not worthy enough for any of these goals, or that you don’t have the ability to accomplish these things.  You have everything that you need.  Dig up the courage to move forward.  For everything that you desire already desires you.


I think of my own experiences with the Triangle of Change.  Let’s face it.  Most of our desires as children are met by our parents.  Just as we are all born with a blank slate, as children, we all, more or less, have the same basic desires.  Basic desires such as food, clothing, and a roof over our heads.  These things are provided to us by our parents.  These desires are basic needs.  They are needed to live and function.  Not to be confused with wants.  Wants being things we would like to have, but not necessary for survival.   We all know that children have many wants.  A new toy, the latest electronic gadget, to go to a friend’s house, to have a pet....  The list goes on.  Almost all of which may be desired, but are nice to have, and not need to have, and are usually vetted through the parent.  If we were motivated to get any of these things, the main action was trying to convince our parents.  And that is what dependent people do, they rely on someone else to provide for them.  I was no different, and my basic needs were well provided for during the first ten years or so of my life.   


A parent’s role is to help the child become more independent as they grow up. Doing things

 like providing an allowance for chores done, teaching them how to ride a bike, and giving them other privileges that encourage more independence, but can also be taken away if certain conditions are not met.  They may even allow the child input into some of these things.  Knowing their opinion is being sought, the child is likely to feel valued and they will be motivated to abide by any rules or conditions, and act within them.  This results in the parents giving them more independence.  Slowly they are able to handle more.  It is a matter of the parent gradually letting go and entrusting the child with more decision-making ability and responsibility.  The degree to which the basic needs of a child are met allows them to develop, learn, grow, and become more independent.


It is in adolescence where children really develop their identity, and I recall wondering at that stage in my life why some of my peers were more confident.  Why some were well liked.  Why others were bullied and picked on.  Why some had many diverse interests, and others didn’t seem to be very interested in much.  Why some were thinking of their futures already, and others had no clue.  Amongst all these different growing personalities, why was I feeling unconfident, unsure, often unhappy, alone, and sometimes marginalized?


I had no idea at the time.  It caused me to withdraw.  Not into a dark place, but my performance at school declined from being near the top of the class to more of falling within the second tier of my class.  I was more on the fringe.  Spent more time at home in my room or by myself down in the basement.  And it affected my path forward, just at the time when I should be thinking more about my future and increasing my independence.  These feelings were becoming self-fulfilling prophecies.  Why was I different?  Why did I feel different from my peers in so many ways?


In hindsight, without ever having gone through counselling, analysis, or psychotherapy of

any kind, I can see that we all were at various stages of development.  There are various stages of development.  Think of the progression from dependence to independence.  To progress, certain needs have to be met at each stage. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs states that we have needs at different levels of our development, and we are motivated to meet those needs at each level, and until we do, we cannot advance to the next level effectively.  The inability to meet needs can cause pressures and if the needs go unmet over a period of time, it can cause problems in our development.


I can see how the storms that were happening at my home and within my own family structure were affecting my basic need for safety.  This would at least partially explain any sense of disconnect and any self-esteem issues I may have had, such as lack of confidence and insecurity.  I was never a problem child, or ever in trouble, but what was going on did affect my development.  Of course, there were many kids at similar stages of development.  Experiencing similar feelings, I am sure.  And there were many that were in much worse situations, that weren’t even getting basic physiological needs met.  Imagine kids that are going to school hungry.  They didn’t have warm clothing.  They may not have a permanent home to go to.  Living in poverty and suffering from abuse.  Imagine how that set them back. 


Unmet needs affect us in the same way throughout our lives.  Whatever might have affected you in the past, it is time to unlearn the beliefs, behaviors, programs and stories that held you back and kept you small, and in a state of learned powerlessness. They may have served as a source of protection and safety in the past, but it is time to let them go and step into your power, and your authenticity 


It is time to move forward on The Crooked Path


 

Check Your CPS (Crooked Path System) - From time to time, I will include an activity that compliments the content of my blog. My intention is to help make what I write more meaningful to you, and help you relate to your own personal journey.


Just as we have become accustomed to checking our GPS to keep us on track, see where we have been, and consider the path forward, I encourage you to check your CPS. It will help you Make That Change



Forever Young - Rod Stewart

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