For The Ones Who Dream of Greater Things.... Step, and the Path Will Appear - from The Pivot Year. Author - Brianna Wiest
So much of our discussion has been about change. Our ability to navigate our life paths effectively has almost everything to do with change. Our ability to deal with change. The change that is happening around us. How do we deal with that? How do we react to that? How do we not get left behind? And it also has to do with initiating positive change in our lives, to deal with the issues we face. To move forward on our paths. There is the change happening around us, and there is the change happening to us in our own lives. We are responsible for the change in our own lives, and how we deal with that will determine which direction we go in. To move forward positively, it is necessary to get uncomfortable. We have to get outside of our Comfort Zone. It is the only way
Although being in our Comfort Zone can provide predictability, routineness, and security, it can also keep us stuck. Unaware and unmotivated. It will make us settle for less that we truly want, less than we deserve, and less than our potential. Your Comfort Zone can be a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. It can be a dysfunctional place, but it is the life you are used to and maybe the life you think you deserve. Growth and comfort don’t exist together in the same room, so if you want to move forward, you have to lean into discomfort and that means stepping outside your comfort zone.
What will it take for someone to leave their Comfort Zone? Consider two scenarios. The first
being a feeling of incongruence, imbalance, unhappiness, or dissonance in one’s life caused by an event or series of events. These feelings increase over time to a point where that person has had enough. Their tolerance level has been exceeded and they are at a critical point where they decide to make positive change in their lives. The second scenario is one of being suddenly awakened. An A-Ha moment where they all of a sudden see things differently. Perhaps they have been living in a fog. They have been naïve, and they are finally aware of the need for a change, and they are motivated to make it.
We can all think of those moments in our lives that changed us. Many involve arrivals and departures. Births and deaths. Meeting people, and then having them leave our lives. Traumatic or awakening events that give us new perspectives, and perhaps open new doors or show us new paths. People or events that taught us something, either directly or indirectly. Those people and events that motivated us to move forward.
One of the courses I enrolled in during my third year working towards my Commerce degree
had to do with group dynamics. The course was comprised entirely of group work. We met with the professor during our first class. We were assigned to groups, and that was it for the formal class setting. We had a number of assignments we needed to accomplish together and would meet with our professor occasionally during the semester, but the group was to be largely self-directed. There were six of us in the groups. We would turn in regular assignments, and then there was a main project that comprised most of our mark for the course. As part of our mark, we were required to keep individual journals of our meetings, interactions together, and our experiences together as a group. We would turn our journals in at the end of the course and it would contribute towards a good portion of our marks.
We all had varied personalities. There were extroverts and introverts. There were two in our
group that took charge. That was their personality, and that was fine. They would facilitate most of our meetings. Start discussions. Others spoke up and contributed. Giving their ideas and suggestions. Then there was me. I was very quiet. Not only was I introverted, but I also really had no interest in the discussions going on. I tried to keep engaged and would contribute when asked a question, but I just wanted the credits. I just wanted to graduate. It was just who I was at the time. I was not great in group situations. I found it difficult to get a word in. Others would talk over me, and really, I did not feel I had much to contribute. I would try to keep up with discussions. I would get frustrated when they went off on tangents. I would often disengage and even daydream during discussions. Wanting to be somewhere else. I did manage to get through the course with a mediocre mark, and the credits. At the time, that was fine.
Fast forward to fourth year. The scene is the library at the Faculty of Commerce. I was there studying or doing research. Among the many resource materials that were in the library, were term papers, reports, and projects from students of prior years. I did not expect what I found that day. Amongst the reference materials was the journal of one of the students in my group from that seminar in the prior year. I was curious, so I took a look at it. I suppose this was like looking at someone’s diary, but it was there for the asking, and enquiring minds want to know… or maybe not. The student was one of the informal leaders of the group. As I skimmed through her notes, I saw that she would document what must have been all of our meetings. She would write about how the meetings went… What tasks were accomplished…. What the plans were for the next meeting. She would talk about how she felt and her observations regarding the interactions amongst the group members. The names of the group members were whited-out, thankfully, by the professor. But it left no doubt how she felt about my contribution. Phrases like, “______ is being so quiet”. “Something seems to be bothering ______”, “I wish ____ would contribute more”. “We all contributed to the discussion and tried to get_____ to speak up….”. Believe me, I knew who she was talking about. I felt a rush of emotions. Shock…. Embarrassment… Anger…. Confusion…. To make matters worse, she got an A+ on her Journal! At the time of the course, the writer was in 4th year, so she had graduated already, and I never saw her again. After reflecting on what I read, the thing I was most upset about was that her observations were absolutely correct. Her observations were an accurate description of my contribution and how I felt at the time, and my interactions within the group. It was how I tended to be in other group settings, as well. I couldn’t deny it, and if I wanted to blame anyone, I had no one to blame but myself. I realized that the way I was, was not consistent with the type of person I wanted to be, and where I pictured myself in my life. I was always seen as “the nice guy”. I wasn’t ill-mannered or mean in any way. That is not the issue. But I realized if I was ever going to get ahead, I needed to develop some new skills, or take a new approach so I could become the type of person that I wanted to be and make a difference. This was an eye-opening event for me. Something that shook me up and made me realize how I was being perceived by others.
I Have Learned That When Something Bad Happens to You, or When You are Facing Adversity of Any Kind, You Have Three Choices
You Can Let It Define You - “Yes, that is the way I am.”, “There is nothing I can do about it.”, “I am the quiet one.” “Just leave me alone.” “I deserve what I get.”
You Can Let It Destroy You - “What a loser I am….” “I am no good.” “That’s what people think of me.” “There is no sense in trying.” Or….
You Can Let It Strengthen You - “I can do better.” “I can change.”, “There is a better way.” “I can do this”
You can get Bitter, or you can get Better. I chose to use that experience as a motivator to put more effort into the rest of my studies. In other courses, I would take more initiative in group settings. I even took the lead in some. I would take part in group presentations. I would go on to apply and be interviewed for Account Representative, and Marketing positions, as companies came to the university looking to hire graduates. I would end up being successful in getting a position as an Account Representative for a major computer manufacturer. I was working way out of my comfort zone during this time, and through the start of my new career. But I realized this was the only way forward. The other alternative would be mediocrity and being a victim. This was not necessarily where I wanted to be. I still didn’t know where I wanted to be. But it was better than where I was, and it took that awakening as to how others saw me to get me to move forward.
What keeps someone in their Comfort Zone? That is a highly personal and sensitive question. One with multiple layers. But some answers can be found on either side of the comfort zone. On the edge of the comfort zone. On what is just inside, and outside, the Comfort Zone.
One reason is that as a person is approaching their breaking point, they raise the bar. They find it within themselves to raise their tolerance level. They are basically delaying the decision. Perhaps putting off the inevitable. Some might say procrastinating. There could be legitimate reasons why they might do this. The timing may not be right. They might be still weighing different alternatives. Perhaps they are waiting to see if things correct themselves, so that they don’t have to make any decision. They are waiting for something to happen that will make change unnecessary. Or maybe they still are waiting for someone to save them. They have been waiting this long. Waiting for a miracle. Sorry to tell you, it is not going to happen.
Another reason can be that the tolerance level is never reached. This person may have decided this is as good as it gets. They are settling. They are unempowered. They see themselves as not having control, and there is no use. They go whichever way the wind blows. They are unaware and not motivated. Some may be negative. Pointing fingers. Believing they are hard done by. They have a Victim Mentality. They will never grow. They have basically given up. This is where I was finding myself until I had that awakening experience at university
Additionally, someone might stay because of the incredible force that is needed to make a significant change in one’s life. And finally, there is what is what awaits you on the other side, once you are outside of your comfort zone.
Recall your Comfort Zone and everything in it. Things such as your family, your home, your job, and your friends. Your comfort zone is your world, and everything in it is what holds your
world together. I had compared everything contained in your comfort zone as being like gravity. These things provide order to our lives. Even if our lives are not perfect. Even if they are dysfunctional. Our lives are ours and what we are used to. Making a change to what we are accustomed to, or making a change away from what we are accustomed to, is difficult.
Consider the force of gravity on Earth. Gravity holds everything in place. Without it everything would be floating all over the place. Now consider what is required in order to break the force of gravity here on earth. Consider the tremendous force required to lift an aircraft up into the sky, or to blast a rocket up into space. The natural tendency is for gravity to hold these things down on earth. A huge amount of power is required to break gravity. And the same is true for breaking free of your comfort zone, especially for major, life-changing decisions. Your comfort zone has a tremendous gravity pull.
Consider the anguish and thought that goes into decisions that may affect your life, such as where you live. Selling your home... Moving to another city... Moving out of your parents home. Splitting with your partner and having to move. Consider relationship changes. Getting married. Having children. Separation and Divorce. Consider changes that involve a complete change of direction. New job. New career. Quitting your job and going back to school. Changes that require risk and may threaten your financial security. Consider those changes that drastically affect who you are. Change our lifestyles. A change in our mindset, our priorities, and in our total approach to life.
Decisions in these areas are not just made in an instant. Typically, there is a great degree of
thought, planning, study, discussion, and introspection required. Even after all the prework has been done, the decision seems to be obvious, and you have convinced yourself of a path forward.... you still have to pull the trigger. And the gravitational pull of our comfort zones is a great force that will fight to hold us in place.
Leaving our comfort zones will take a greater force than what is holding you back. That means a commitment, determination and dedication to what is calling you to move forward. Commitment to your dreams. Commitment to positive change in your life. Change happens when you become more committed to your dreams, than what is in your comfort zone.
I was contemplating major life changing decisions about halfway into my career, Married for over ten years, with two young children. I was facing constant negative forces. When it became obvious that that my attempts to resolve things cooperatively were not working, or even progressing, I decided to do the only thing I could do that was within my power, and that was work on myself. Slowly, that started providing me with clarity and showed me a path forward. Still, I could only go so far on that path, and then I would stop. There was too much holding me back. I had to come to terms with those things. My decision would affect not just me, but my entire family. I would decide to move forward, and then I would fall back. This happened at least twice. Yes, this involved a marital separation. You can imagine the things I had to consider. Two years after deciding my marriage was over, I finally got the courage to leave, on my third attempt. And then I faced what that other factor that holds us back. What lies on the other side. What lies immediately outside the comfort zone.
Once you have made that decision to do something and move forward. Something different. Something positive. You have stepped outside your comfort zone. How does it feel? It certainly feels different. It feels different because you have never been here before. This is new territory. You are breaking new ground. You are seeing things you may have never seen before, and feeling things you may have never felt before. You may have control that you have never experienced before. One of the first things you may feel when you break outside your comfort zone is freedom.
"This is Major Tom to Ground Control. I'm Stepping Through the Door. And I'm Floating in A Most Peculiar Way. And the Stars Look Very Different Today." - from Space Oddity, by David Bowie
Think of astronauts whose rocket has finally broken free of the Earth’s gravity, after great effort. Suddenly that rocket is floating almost effortlessly. Free of the earth’s gravitational pull. It can feel that way once you are finally free of the gravitational pull of your comfort zone. Think of an astronaut looking outside the window of the spacecraft. And then stepping outside. Things look and feel different
You are moving away from the old towards something new. You have taken that step. Along with freedom, you may be feeling relief. You have put that burden you have been carrying down, and you feel lighter. What you will find is that life begins on the outside edge of the comfort zone. Life begins one step outside of the comfort zone. But as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “With freedom, comes responsibility”. You are free of what was holding you back, but now it is your responsibility to act further, and keep moving forward.
How are things different? You may not have the same people surrounding you that you relied on previously. You are the decision-maker now. It is your path forward. Your surroundings may be different. New territory. You are the difference-maker now and it is up to you to carry the ball. And the responsibility of freedom causes anxiety. Sigmund Freud wrote, “Most people do not want freedom, because with freedom comes responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility” I believe Freud's statement is a very limiting view of mankind. Certainly not a statement that serves democracy very well, where most people want and enjoy their freedoms. Either way, once you break free of comfort, there is a whole new world waiting for you. Welcome to the Anxiety Zone.
The Anxiety Zone -
So how else does it feel here? How about scary? Many refer to this area as the Fear Zone. As Freud says, there is fear associated with responsibility, and many people would prefer to play it safe. As any exhilaration resulting from freedom fades, you realize there are decisions to make and work to do. If you are not used to making the big decisions in your life, this idea can be very intimidating. And what lies ahead of you can cause uncertainty, confusion, and stress. For the first time, or for the first time in a long time, you are feeling vulnerable. Maybe you are experiencing self-doubt. Having second thoughts.
But all these feelings are good things. First of all, they are signs that you are outside your comfort zone. You are not where you once were, and these feelings are normal. It is also a sign that you are about to grow. Especially if you use these feelings as positive motivators. Having our stress levels slightly higher than normal is a good thing. This maximizes our performance. There is an optimal point where our productivity and performance are at their peak. Any more stress and our performance goes down. Perhaps feeling confused and overwhelmed Any less stress and we are not motivated and not focused. It is important to avoid unproductive anxiety.
So how do we maximize our performance? In order to experience some relief from anxiety, we need to move further outside of our comfort zone. Yes, we do. It is like swimming further away from the shore. Away from the comfort of the shore. It is leaning into discomfort. Taking action towards what it is you want. It is important to resist the temptation to move back to old places, old patterns and routines just because they look familiar and are more comfortable. When we are out there, the tendency to look for a life preserver or life jacket will be tempting, but the key is to keep moving forward. It is good to do uncomfortable things. Those new things we have never done before. Consider it as weight training for life. You are building muscles. Your muscles of independence and growth.
"Don't Look Back. A New Day is Breakin'. It's Been Too Long Since I Felt This Way. I Don't Mind Where I Get Taken. The Road is Calling. Today is the Day" - Don't Look Back, by rock group, Boston
If you are never uncomfortable, you are not growing. The process may be uncomfortable, but the worthy purpose you have chosen is worth it. You will be amazed at what you can do when you confront the uncomfortable things. When you run to your giants, that is when things happen. The more time you spend in discomfort, the more comfortable it becomes. This is because as we do what is necessary, we see progress. As we do things we have never done before, we learn. The difficult becomes easier. The unknown becomes familiar. We expand our comfort zone. We must always be moving out of our comfort zone, as that is where we continue to learn, grow, and transform. In essence, moving out of the comfort zone makes us more comfortable.
Appreciate the struggle. It really does mold you and build character. Anyone who has grown mentally, emotionally, or spiritually knows that growth is not found in comfort. Growth happens when you do the hard things. The new things. Those intentional things we have not done before. It is important not to look back. The only way is forward. It takes personal resolve, but you have not come this far, just to come this far.
Being open to something new requires you to be brave. Standing outside your comfort
zone in the unknown forces you to rethink almost everything you thought was certain in your life. It forces you to let go of the old in a big way. When those uncomfortable feelings come up... and they will.... Sit with them. Let them come up. Don’t deny them, but don’t look back. Remember why you have taken this step. Feel what beckons you forward. Your decisions may not make sense to some people. They may not make total sense to you. But listen to your gut, as it calls you into the unknown along your own unique path. Your path is yours alone, so try not to compare it, or what brings you joy, to someone else’s path.
Being brave will keep you from settling, and the truth is that most people settle. They want comfort. They want safety. They are afraid of their own brilliance and power. Many people remain stuck because they are afraid to face the unknown. Too scared to leave and move on. Too scared to perhaps hurt someone’s feelings. As author Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light and not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be gorgeous, talented, fabulous,…?" If you want something, go after it. Don’t settle for anything less than the life you promised yourself. Get out of your comfort zone and take the chance. Your future self will thank you.
"Say What You Wanna Say And Let the Words Fall Out. Honestly, I Wanna See You Be Brave" - Brave by Sara Bareilles
Now is the moment to stand up. To speak up. For you and all those you care about. Stop fearing the worst, the unknown, and the what-ifs, and start doing. Stop doubting that you can do it and start listening to yourself. Listen to your intuition. When we are true to our authentic selves, you realize that times may be hard, but at the same time you are learning about yourself. No path is a straight line. No journey is without the unknown. But these moments help us discover the person that we have been all along. That authentic version of you that has been waiting to be free. The courage with which you enter today will become the fate that you meet tomorrow.
Sometimes through the different phases and changes of life. our growth will result in the freedom of feeling more of who we are, while also feeling fear of the unknown, and lonely from the loss of those who don’t understand or support your growth. You need to stay strong and keep going. Safe bets aren’t really how we were meant to live this great adventure called life. An adventure calls us to be brave, bold, and daring. It calls us to face uncertainty, and it requires us to take a leap of faith into the unknown.
Take that step and the path will appear. You are exactly where you need to be.
I will see you on the Crooked Path
Check Your CPS (Crooked Path System) - From time to time, I will include an activity that compliments the content of my blog. My intention is to help make what I write more meaningful to you, and help you relate to your own personal journey.
Just as we have become accustomed to checking our GPS to keep us on track, see where we have been, and consider the path forward, I encourage you to check your CPS. It will help you Make That Change
Outside Your Comfort Zone -
AfterNotes -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_M3uw29U1U Space Oddity - David Bowie
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