Do You Know Where You're Going To? Do You Like The Things That Life is Showing You? Do You Know? - The Theme from Mahogany - Diana Ross
Life is about choices. There is much you can’t control in your life, but there is one thing you can control, and that is your choices. And that makes all the difference in the world. We are a product of the choices we have made in our lives. That is a bitter pill to swallow for many, and many would disagree with this view.
Some will say, “I didn’t choose to get off course like this.” “I had good intentions and plans” “This isn’t my fault”. “I didn’t choose to have people treat me poorly. I didn't choose this broken relationship”, “I am not happy, but I didn’t choose to be this way. I have had bad breaks. Nothing goes my way”. “I don’t know what I want, but I know I didn't want this. I guess this is as good as it gets.” “I try to get ahead, but no one recognizes the hard work I do. I get no credit” “No one cares. I feel left out. That is just the way it is.” “I am a nice person, but I never get anywhere.” “I will never find a loving relationship” “....and it isn’t my fault. I was born this way” “I didn’t choose to end up in this dead-end job” You have heard the stories. Perhaps you have experienced them.
When We Make a Statement About Ourselves... Pro or Con.... This is How We Are Choosing to See Ourselves. And How We See Ourselves Affects Our Thoughts, Feelings, Words, and Actions.... and Ultimately the Results We Get in Our Lives
In order to experience differently, we need to choose differently. In order to have positive changes in our lives, we need to make positive choices. And that can be difficult to grasp for anyone who has been told throughout their lives that they are lazy, never on time, disorganized, difficult, not good enough, not smart enough, or have never felt seen, heard, or understood.
These opinions of us come from the Social Mirror. From Social and Cultural Norms, and from
the opinions and perspectives of those people around us in our lives. The thing is, these reflections are distorted. They more often than not are projections of the character of the people making the judgment or statement. And they more often than not are also inaccurate. Reflecting more of who they are, rather than who you are.
Many say that we are determined by factors such as conditioning (how people have treated us), and / or conditions (the circumstances in which we live or work. Our circumstances and surroundings). No doubt these have been major factors, especially when we were children. Our conditions and conditioning as children provides us with the foundation for our lives. Whether it be stable, or unstable. But we are not determined by these things. There comes a time where we make our own decisions over our lives. Where we have the control. No control versus control are two very different views, and they result in very different paths.
There are a number of different ways of looking at why we are the way we are, and why things are the way they are in our lives. Two extremes are what I like to call the “Forrest Gump” view. Forrest Gump has gradually become one of my favourite movies. When I first saw it in theatres back when it was released, I merely thought it was an entertaining movie about a simple person that found himself in the middle of pop culture and social change throughout his life. An extraordinary acting performance by Tom Hanks, and several other actors. It also had a great soundtrack. A very clever movie, and that was it. But as I had the opportunity to watch the movie over again, as years past, it became very apparent to me that the movie was more than that. It was about life journeys, life paths, and life purpose. To me, it was about how our lives touch so many others, and the difference our choices make in the lives of others. But my point is that the movie had two diverging theories about life.
"Life Is Like A Box of Chocolates. You Never Know What You Are Going to Get" from the movie, Forrest Gump
The first theory being that “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.”. Forrest’s mother would always tell him this when he was confused or upset.
In other words, we have no control over our lives. We are like the feather that floats aimlessly at the beginning and end of the movie. Drifting wherever the wind might take us. Then there was the view of Lieutenant Dan who says “We all have a destiny. Nothing just happens.” He is upset that when Forrest saved his life. he robbed him of his destiny, which he felt was to die in battle with honour, like his ancestors before him. His view was that his life was predetermined. Based on his genetics, heritage, and family history.
Really there are three theories that try to explain why we are the way we are. One is Genetics. You are the way you are because of your genes passed down to you from your parents, grandparents, and the ancestry of your family. I have been told that I am stubborn. I get that from my Dad and his side of the family. I have also been told that I am a “nice guy”, and that I get my niceness from my mother. Someone may say that you have inherited your grandfather’s short temper, the addictive personality of your uncle, or the singing voice of your grandmother, and maybe the work ethic of your father.
And As I Hung Up the Phone It Occurred to Me, He'd Grown Up Just Like Me. My Boy Was Just Like Me - Cat's In the Cradle - by Harry Chapin
The second theory is your childhood circumstances which says you are the way you are because of your upbringing and the conditions and conditioning you received during your childhood. That is why you are the way you are. Blame your parents. In her famous poem and book, Dorothy Law Nolte says “Children Learn What They Live”. She says, “If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn”. “If children live with hostility, they learn to fight”, “If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive”, and “If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves”, and many more statements that describe what your childhood has set you up for.
The final way of looking at why we are the way we are is that we are a product of our current
environment. You hate your job. Your boss treats you poorly. Your spouse doesn’t appreciate you. Your friends don’t care about what is going on in your life. The economy is terrible. High interest rates. The Cost of Living is skyrocketing. Even the current political climate. Something or someone in your life is doing it to you. That is why you are the way you are, and your situation is what it is in life.
The truth is, a little bit of all of this can contribute to who we are, and why things are the way they are in our lives. We may be predisposed to act a certain way because of our genes, our upbringing, and the current factors we face in life. But are we limited to acting in these ways? Are these only tools we have in the toolbox? And if so, how effective is that?
Relationships require cooperation and compromise. How are you going to get along with people if the only tool you have is stubbornness? You are in a situation where someone is obviously trying to take advantage of you or force their will on you. How are you going to feel in this situation if all you know is how to be the nice guy? Or you are in a situation where people are anxious, there may be a lot at stake, and emotions are high. How is being hot-tempered going to help a situation that needs a little decorum, patience, and calm?
So how accurate are these theories? Are we destined to live our lives a certain way because of our families, our upbringing, and our surroundings? Does all this become a self-fulfilling prophesy?
In many self-help literature and books, the story of Viktor Frankl has often been related. Frankl was a psychiatrist, born in 1905, and he was schooled in the tradition that taught that whatever happens to you as a child shapes your whole life. It governs your personality and character. Basically, your life is set because of your childhood experiences. This was the main belief at the time. Frankl was a holocaust survivor, and he would write of his experiences in the concentration camps of World War II. He detailed his experiences in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning”
Between Stimulus and Response, is the Last of All Human Freedoms
Most of his family died in the camps. Frankl witnessed and suffered indignities, but his life was spared. He would recount how he survived all the years of suffering he witnessed and endured. He had all of his possessions taken away from him, and his captors could do what they wanted to do to his environment and his body, but he discovered “the last of human freedoms”. They could not take away his self-awareness. He could decide within himself how all of his experiences, events, and environment around him would affect him. He could look on as an observer. His identity was intact. He could decide how all of this around him was going to affect him. He discovered his power to choose his response to all that was happening. He discovered that between any stimulus (what is happening to you, or around you) and your response to the stimulus, is your freedom to choose your response. That is how he survived.
Finding the Meaning in the Mess
He envisioned the future. Envisioned a time that he would be released from the camp. He would project himself into doing his work. Living his life and pursuing his passion. Imagining how things might be. How they could be. And how they will be. Working, and with loved ones. And that would get him through the horrific circumstances he endured. He used his memory. He used his imagination. He exercised the only freedom that he had at the time, and as he did that his freedom grew. He found meaning in the mess around him and became an inspiration to others that were imprisoned. In the most degrading of circumstances, Frankl used his self-awareness and discovered one of the most fundamental characteristics of humans. And that is that in Between Stimulus and Response, Humans have the Freedom to Choose their Response.
In the musical The Sound of Music, the Von Trapp children gather in Maria's room because of a thunderstorm that is frightening them.
Maria sings and encourages them to think of their “Favourite things, and then they won’t feel so bad”. Over simplified, but same idea. You can think of the many Disney Princesses, dreaming that “Someday their Prince will come”, and that helps them persevere and get through. That is fantasy, I know, but your odds of success increase as you think of the possibilities, and not the limitations. Even if you are in the middle of a difficult situation
Besides Self-Awareness, it takes Creative Power to envision a situation beyond what we are currently experiencing. We all have the Moral Sense to think of the things that inspire and motivate us, and we have the Driven Resolution to freely think of these things, and act in accordance. We can imagine how things might be. How they could be, and how they will be. As human-beings we all have these capabilities.
This ability separates us from animals. Animals can’t think about their thoughts. They can’t choose or analyze their thoughts. They act by instinct or by what they have been trained to do. But we as humans can choose our response to what is going on around us. We don’t have to react based on our conditions, feelings, or personality. We can think of new ways. Different ways to respond to what is going on around us. If all we know is to respond out of our conditions and conditioning, we will be limited.
Do You Get What You're Hoping For? When You Look Around There's No Open Door. What Are You Hoping For? Do You Know? - The Theme From Mahogany - Diana Ross
Our own self-awareness tells us that our current state does not determine our future at all. Our unique human abilities allow us to rise up and initiate change in our lives. The extent to which we exercise these abilities gives us the power. The extent to which we do not, causes us to remain where we are.
For those that are not convinced, I hear you. I have had instances in my life that I thought were unfair. I felt stuck and that my hands were tied. In almost all situations I had the best intentions. But I was unaware. I was unaware of how the events around me were impacting my life, and was unaware of my ability to impact things. Why were these things happening? I felt at times I didn’t deserve some of the things that were happening but didn’t see a way of avoiding any of this other than doing more of the same. Just keep being nice. Things will eventually work out. I was like that feather being blown about in the wind. There was nothing I could do but hang on and see where the wind would take me. I was a victim and saw myself as having little control.
Why was that? Why does anyone feel the way they do about their situation in life? I came from a good home. My brothers and I never did without. I was well provided for. My family was well connected with family, friends, and the community. I was encouraged to do well in school and get a college education. I came from what I regard as an average middle-class family. I had good friends with similar interests. But even with all that, I came out of my childhood and teenage years lacking confidence, self-esteem, and direction. I did not realize that at the time. I thought that was just the way I was, the way things were and things would work out. But I had friends and classmates that had more confidence. They knew what they wanted to do with their lives. They weren’t afraid to speak up. As years passed, I noticed that they were happier, achieving more, and more driven. So why was this? And why did I feel different?
My friends and I had different genetic backgrounds, and that would affect things like our
personalities, but what about other things such as happiness, direction, and motivation. Despite all the good things I had going for me with my family as I was growing up, something was missing. And I did not realize it. I was like the frog in the tepid water. Not noticing the changes going on around me until I was so far along, I was cooked. I didn't know who I was. All these things happening around us as children, gradually shape us. Our childhoods are where the foundations of our lives are laid down. So I came out of my childhood and teenage years with a few cracks in the foundation. I would not become aware of them until years later. Just as a hairline crack in the foundation of a house can turn into major structural damage in years to come if nothing is done, the same can be said for us. Your thoughts become your reality. Thoughts become things. Everything begins on a mental level before it manifests itself in the physical world.
And an error in your thoughts, or an error in your thinking carries forward and effects everything in your life. Just like a complex math problem. You make a wrong calculation early in the problem, it carries forward and effects everything else, including the final answer. The experiences of my childhood and teenage years did dramatically affect who I was. As a result, I made decisions that often, at best, were not well thought out. Decisions regarding my education, my career, and my relationships. All along, I was the nice guy and figured that things would work out. I will say this about growing up. Yes, children learn what they live. And I learned many positive values from my parents. But I will also say that if a child is constantly criticized... Criticized especially by a parent... they won’t stop loving their parent. They will stop loving themselves.
Errors In Your Thinking Carry Forward and Affect Everything Else in Your Life
I moved forward into adulthood. Graduating from university. I didn’t love what I was studying, but at least I graduated. I got a job. It wasn’t the greatest job. I felt like I was under-achieving, but it was a start. And I met my future wife. We had obvious differences on issues, but doesn’t everyone? And for the most part we got along. This is as good as it gets, right? I am now the product of my conditions around me. Can you relate? Only from your perspective and based on your own experiences. Your upbringing shapes you. Your current conditions shape you. But they don’t determine your future. Unless you let them. I would learn that.
While living our lives, we so often rush to conform. To fit in. To please others. Please our
parents. Please our partner. Take part in the rat race. Keep up with the Jones. In doing so, we often ignore or overrule our own feelings. We become divided against ourselves. We experience dissonance or incongruence. This is when if there are cracks in the foundation, they will start to show, and things may start shifting. Something is out of balance. You are feeling torn. You may be experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety. The imbalance is manifesting itself in different ways. You
may snap at someone who you dearly love. Behave totally out of character. You may feel distracted. Unable to concentrate and complete projects at work or at home. Feeling disorganized. You are experiencing things that don’t feel right. You are acting in ways that don’t feel right at the deepest level.
Emotionally you may feel irritated, depressed, or unfeeling. Physically you are tired feel weak or have no energy. You may get sick. Mentally, you cannot concentrate and have no confidence. The body knows when something is off. We have all these systems meant to keep us in balance. Our outer lives have contributed to this imbalance, and we are at least partially responsible. Our inner reactions affect what is going on around us and it becomes a perfect storm. A downward spiral. A downward spiral in health, relationships, and everything else. It is at this time that some people will realize they have to do something. There has to be something better than this. A better way. You can’t go on like this, but no one is coming to save you. You may finally be motivated to do something. To make a change. You may have no choice. But you don’t know what to do. Where to start. But you are finally driven to find answers. And this is a moment of truth. That moment where you decide to make that change for the better.
Those Voices in the Back of Your Head? That is Your Future Self Calling.
Is today the day you answer, and decide to move forward? Somewhere in the future, an older you is watching you through memories. Whether it is with regret, or with nostalgia, depends on what you do in the present.
You have to ask yourself, are you healing or are you hurting yourself? Reflect on your life, on your habits, and on the people in your life. Then ask yourself that question. As for when to start, and where to start....
When the Student is Ready, The Teacher Appears
That was my experience as I went through life, got married, advanced in my career and experienced the highs and lows that most of us face. Seeming to have more lows and coming out of those lows ineffectively. Having relationship issues in my family life, school life, and work life. Dealing with them. Putting up with them would be more accurate, while feeling seen, heard and understood elsewhere. Dealing with negativity in my life, while at the same time striving to be a positive person. Knowing the negativity did not feel right. Having periods of smooth sailing in my life, where things seemed to be going great, only to be blindsided by conflicts that would go unresolved, and that I could not live with comfortably, and as a result relationships were strained. I eventually came to the realization that I knew deep down all along. That life did not have to be this way. There had to be a better way. This dissonance I was feeling could not be right. I didn’t know what to do, and where to go. But when I was ready to learn, the teacher did appear.
And the teacher will appear for you. For most of us that will not be a person at the head of a
classroom, in the traditional sense. But it could be a person. It could be something you read. A book. An article. An experience you have that opens your eyes. Someone or something that changes your perspective. A door that opens. A moment of truth. I have had many in my life. All of which changed my course of action. All of them changed the way I saw myself, and therefore the way I thought, and the way I acted. One of the major ones was as follows.
In this instance, how it occurred for me was a combination of things. A job change, significant people coming into my life, as well a certificate program in Adult Education that I enrolled in to help me with my career advancement. The job change provided me with an environment that supported me. The people I was meeting could not save me, but they inspired me and encouraged me and were a support. Educating myself was my path forward. It wasn’t just classroom education either. It was me consciously learning things that I could do to move myself, and hopefully my family forward. I realized that even with all these things happening around me that seemed out of my control, I could do one thing that was within my control, and that was work on myself. The certificate program that I was taking at the time, gave me access to resources that changed my perspective. And the one book that was the beginning of my awakening was “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” authored by Stephen Covey. We referred to sections of the book in a course I was taking, and it intrigued me. I saw the book in a bookstore, and I decided to pick it up. I thought it would be a good resource. It turned out to be a breath of fresh air. It was like giving someone walking through the desert for days a supply of water. And that was the start of my journey towards change in my life. It by no means was the answer, but it got me started on my new path.
Your teacher, and teachable moments, will be different than mine. You need to ask yourself the hard questions. And realize you are not meant to live permanently out of balance, unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. You deserve better. Once you believe that, you will be motivated to make that change towards your true self.
Sometimes Your Best Educator is Adversity
Not just that going through tough times makes you strong. But that in going through adversity, you realize that life does not have to be this way. You are motivated to move forward. Nelson Mandela said that education is the most powerful weapon you can use to change the world. It is the most powerful weapon you can use to change yourself. Education gives you freedom. Acquiring knowledge, skills and new mindsets is what sets you on the path to moving forward. There are countries and political regimes that don’t want you to be educated. There are people in our own lives that don't want us to be educated. It may threaten them. They want to keep you in your place. By educating yourself you become powerful. A true education is always within reach. I am not just talking about formal education. Learning experiences are everywhere. Experiences that will move you forward. You just have to see them. Be aware of them and reach out for them.
There are many who after being exposed to all these thoughts about having power to
choose positive change in their lives, may agree but say that they can’t. It is too hard. Their situation is too difficult. They are in too deep. Any drastic change will cause disruption. There are too many people depending on them. They just can’t do it. To those people I say, “I see you”. My awakening was difficult, and it certainly was not the cure. In fact, it brought with it more problems as I exercised my freedom of initiating change, and it met with resistance with some important people around me. It took me years to come to terms with what I needed to do in the big picture of my life. There were moments along the way I considered giving up. I told myself it was not worth it. I could not do it. So show yourself some grace. You will know when it is time. And when you decide to move forward in a principled, well thought out, and positive way, believe me that there will be people noticing and cheering you on.
Growth is hard. Change is hard. Staying where you don’t belong is even harder. When the pain of staying where you are is greater than the pain of growth, you will make that change. You can obviously stay where you are. But that also is your choice.
I hope you choose positive change on your Crooked Path. I will see you out there. May we continue to encourage each other.
Check Your CPS (Crooked Path System) - From time to time, I will include an activity that compliments the content of my blog. My intention is to help make what I write more meaningful to you, and help you relate to your own personal journey.
Just as we have become accustomed to checking our GPS to keep us on track, see where we have been, and consider the path forward, I encourage you to check your CPS. It will help you Make That Change
AfterNotes -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsA-Xc6gWDE Do You Know Where You're Going To? - Diana Ross
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